Cinematic Hero
by MyMagentaPeach
Summary: There is no easy way to heal, but maybe with Blaine's love and support Kurt will find it in himself to take on the hard way. Set at the beginning of Kurt's senior year with Blaine still at Dalton.
1. Distance

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Glee. The angst in here however, I own plenty of that.

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><p><strong>Distance<strong>

Before he knew what was happening Blaine felt Kurt's whole body shift, his hand slowly slipping out from under his.

Just as he was about to try and talk to Kurt again about what was wrong Kurt practically jumped out of his seat, and moved towards the exit.

Blaine rummaged a second for his jacket in the free seat next to his, still utterly in the dark about what had just happened, then quickly got to his feet and

ran after Kurt.

Directly headed for the main entrance of the cinema, afraid Kurt had just stormed out into the packed streets, where Blaine would never find him, he almost

ran past Kurt, who in fact had not made it much further than onto the staircase outside their showing room.

The relief at having found Kurt was visible on Blaine's face, although it was still mixed with worry.

"Kurt. There you are."

"Blaine I…."

At first approaching the staircase Kurt had seemed much calmer to Blaine, only now that Kurt lifted his head Blaine saw Kurt's still tearing eyes and by now

not only tearstained but positively wet cardigan. Kurt inched away from Blaine towards the wall as he sat down next to him.

'How long had Kurt been crying before I noticed?' Blaine wonders taking in the state of the cardigan.

"Kurt." He looked up into those hazel eyes that had made his heart jump ever since he had first met them with his own gaze on his fruitless spying mission

to Dalton.

"Kurt you are nearly drenched. Will you take of that cardigan, please, otherwise you are gone get sick in that weather."

Kurt nodded absentmindedly and began to open the buttons on his cardigan with hands, that were tangled and caught up in thoughts, still trembling.

Blaine reached out and softly placed this time both his hands on Kurt's. Holding his and Kurt's hands to Kurt's chest, Blaine could feel Kurt's heart

hammering away violently.

'Oh Kurt. Your heart is hammering so hard it must hurt,' Blaine thought, but did not dare say such a thing.

So instead he looked Kurt deep into his eyes, to give him focus, and with a slight encouraging smile moved Kurt's hands into Kurt's lap.

Gently letting go, Blaine started to undo the remaining buttons on Kurt's cardigan.

Blaine slipped the damp garment softly of Kurt's shoulders.

Through all this Kurt had sat there completely still, but at the touch of Blaine's hands on his shoulders Blaine could see the pain in Kurt's eyes beginning to

radiate again.

Seeing a change in Blaine's expression, and not knowing what to make of it, Kurt turned away. 'I am so ashamed. I am so ashamed,' he thought to himself. 

_"I am so ashamed."_

"Kurt, there is nothing you need to feel ashamed about!"

"Did I just say that out loud?" Kurt whispered.

"Yes, yes you did. I am glad you did. I am glad you are talking again. Full stop."

"Oh Blaine", Kurt said turning back to face him, "I am so sorry, I ruined the whole night."

"Don't be, you did not, not at all. Thank you for not completely disappearing, I would have been so much more worried."

"You worry about me?"

"Of course I do, how can you even ask that!" Kurt flinched at the sound of Blaine's voice. "I am sorry, I did not mean for it to sound so angry. Will you

please talk to me."

"Not here."

"I would take you home, but my dad would just cause us both more grief, I think."

"We can go to mine." And that was all Kurt said before his eyes where fixed on the staircase they still sat on again.

Blaine moved closer, picked up Kurt's cardigan from off the floor, took of his own jacket and gently wrapped it around Kurt.

Kurt, who a moment ago had still felt like he was sinking in a marsh-pit somewhere, or drowning on the sidewalk in heavy rain falls, in that moment only

felt Blaine's warmth radiating from the jacket, and warming him even down to his bones.

After tonight he would store away the shirt he wore under it carefully and put it on every night that he was apart from Blaine, even after weeks it would still

smell of Blaine, and even after Blaine's scent had fainted Kurt would still feel comforted whenever he put it on.

As they stepped out of the cinema into the cold, windy, rainy autumn air, Kurt took Blaine's right hand with his left intertwining their fingers thoroughly.

Blaine could already feel the distance that had build between them in the cinema grow a little smaller.


	2. Stay

**A/N: **This new chapter is all thanks to the wonderful people who asked me for a continuation of this story and especially thanks to the user named Zapphyre, who hasn't her PMs enabled, so I could not think of another way to thank you Zapphyre, for reading and adding my stories to your favorits all night today than writing a new chapter to one I saw you added to your favorits and so will hopefully read. So this is for you. **You made my world a much happier place today.  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Stay<strong>

For once Kurt was happy they had moved.

In their old house it would have been close to impossible to sneak Blaine into his room, unnoticed.

Kurt counted on two things attempting this tonight. One, he was not due back from the movie date with Blaine for another almost two hours, Friday Night Extra Late Curfew. Two, his father had not just yet had the opportunity to memorize every little sign the house was able and willing to give him as an aid in interpreting the movement taking place in it at any and every time.

When Kurt closed the door to his room behind Blaine and himself, Kurt took a moment to rest his body against the door, eyes-closed and after letting out a sigh of relief, taking in several deep breaths, before remembering Blaine was still there.

As Kurt lifted the back of his head from its resting place on the door and slowly opened his eyes Blaine had neatly placed the shoes, that both boys had taken off even before stepping in through the front door, next to Kurt's wardrobe. Blaine had also taken of his scarf, which lay now neatly folded over the back of the chair in front of Kurt's primarily, study desk.

Blaine himself was sitting cross-legged on the soft carpet in front of Kurt's bed, back resting against it.

Blaine held out his right hand to Kurt, asking and then helping Kurt settle down next to him, and cuddling into Blaine's side, head resting on Blaine's right shoulder.

They simply sat there for a while, Kurt still wearing Blaine's jacket, Blaine gently running his right hand up and down Kurt's right arm from time to time.

Just as Blaine was about to bring both his arms around Kurt, hold him tight –so he would be able to sense every move and even the most subtle shift in Kurt's body – and ask about what happened in the cinema, there was a soft shuffle detectible in the hallway, and Blaine just about managed to scramble over the bed and slump down on its other side and out of sight of anyone who might enter the room, before the door opened. Revealing Burt, with a curious look on his face, as Kurt looked up from where he had thrown himself on his stomach across the bed.

"Kiddo, back already?"

"Yeah, short movie," Kurt supplied lamely, his mouth feeling too dry and throat too closed up from all the earlier crying, to trust himself with answering in full sentences.

"I thought I heard something, a thump?"

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me," and with that Kurt grabbed a heavy biography from the floor right next to Blaine. The name sounded obscure, and Blaine was fairly sure he had never heard or read it anywhere before.

"I just dropped this when you came in unannounced," Kurt tried himself at his best half-bitch glare, knowing anyway that his father always took this silent commentary to his actions rather as a term of endearment than anything else.

And sure enough Burt was laughing a moment later. "Okay, kiddo. I hope you and Blaine," Blaine almost winced at the mention of his name "had fun."

"Yes, Dad, we did."

"Good to hear," Burt said, smile warm, "Good Night."

"Good Night."

Even after the door had already been placed back into its previous closed state both boys held their breath until they heard Burt's steps growing quieter, the sound of each step away from them swallowed more and more by the thick carpet in the hallway.

"Blaine," Kurt finally said in a half whisper.

And Blaine had to smile, because it was the first word Kurt had spoken to him since they had left the cinema.

Blaine, as he stood back up, in response simply held up a hand to stop Kurt from saying any more, but was smiling.

Kurt's expression grew from slightly curious to confused, as Blaine, still wordless, walked over into Kurt's bathroom.

Kurt could hear the tap running and then Blaine reappeared, a glass of water in hand, after briefly taking a small sip himself he handed it to Kurt, his eyes asking him to drink. As soon as the first drops of water passed his lips, Blaine said in an even tone "Your voice sounded painful as you talked to your dad. I am surprised he did not notice."

"He is used to me sometimes sounding like that, after long singing sessions. I am sure he just thought you and I did a lot of singing today. Which might have been true if…" and now Kurt could feel and Blaine could see tears trying to force their way towards Kurt's eyes again.

"Hey, hey. It's okay," Blaine said, taking the water glass out of Kurt's now shaking hand, placing it on the nightstand, and then moving to kneel in front of Kurt on the floor, who was sitting on the bed, legs tangling over the edge of it, toes barely touching the ground.

Blaine slowly and gently took both of Kurt's hands in his, first squeezing them affectionately, but sensing the shaking not lightning in the least, he got up from the floor, never letting go of Kurt's hands.

"Lie down with me?" Blaine asked softly.

Kurt said nothing, simply scooted back a little, further into the center of his bed, pulling Blaine with him by there still linked hands.

Kurt settled himself down on his left side, Blaine on his right. Eyes staying locked, hands staying linked, even, intertwining further.

As Kurt felt his eyelids get heavy he began to scoot closer and closer to Blaine and eventually as far es he could into Blaine's arms, whispering "Stay with me tonight?"

"Yes."

"Blaine," and Kurt sounded so small, and so young, saying this, in a tone so filled with pleading and fear of rejection "hold me?"

"Of course."

"Don't let go, please," the last word was hardly audible at all.

"Never. I love you."

Blaine's soft, warm reassuring declaration of his deep feelings for the boy in his arms was the last sound that filled the room as Kurt drifted off to sleep.


	3. Broken Grains Of Sand

**A/N: **So my inner writer insists on switching into the present tense at this point of the story, I hope neither your outer nor inner reader hates me for it.

True closeness I find much more appropriate to write in real time. I hope you too feel it is right this way when you read it.

They wake up together in this, so I figure it is a legite point to make this change. Not exactly a new day, but a new time, you will see what I mean when you read, I hope.

I have been feeling dark and down yesterday. Sad about, well, the world, its people more so, and…this morning Cinematic Hero asked me to be continued. Yes, my stories kind of call for me to work on them. They kind of own me.

Damn it. It seems just to prove the point, my pizza just went cold while I was busy rewriting and of course lost track of time. Hey, just found a still half-warm piece. Yeih me.

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><p><strong>Broken Grains Of Sand<br>**

As Kurt wakes up the scream is still building in his chest, still pounding angrily against his ribs from the inside.

He feels the desperate need for air and tries to take in a big gulp of it, simultaneously sitting up in bed in a movement too rapid to go unnoticed.

"Kurt? What is it?"

To Kurt's left Blaine sits up too, rubbing his eyes with his left, to clear his vision from sleep, his right simultaneously patting around, searching, for Kurt.

But the boy next to him has already scooted back against the headboard and is now cowering against it, shaking; knees pulled up against his own chest and both hands firmly pressed into the mattress left and right of himself, as if to steady the rest of his body.

Everything feels too heavy, and Kurt just wants to sink back into the mattress, back into his boyfriend's warm embrace, but his body refuses to comply.

The silence lies so heavy on his throat, Kurt finds himself unable to break it to answer.

He feels entirely trapped, pinned against the headboard, in the process of being squashed by the pressure in his chest and the weight of his own mind. Said mind stuffed with thoughts already entirely too heavy, nevertheless still growing and growing.

"Kurt? Love. Please. You are crying again. Please tell me what it is. Please," the helplessness Blaine feels finds its way out in that last word.

A sound so desperate and full of worry and the pain of concern, even Kurt notices in his confused state.

Reply, Kurt can only though, with a whimper.

And Blaine is entirely unsure if that sound is not one of surprise much more than an answer. Surprise at being told he is crying again, because really Kurt does not look like he had noticed before, no matter how heavy the flow of tears.

As Blaine's eyes adjust completely to the darkness after sleep, his right hand finally finds Kurt's left on the dark clad mattress.

Kurt flinches heavily at the contact made.

"Babe, it's just me. I…" and now something, everything begins to make sense to Blaine, "Who hurt you?"

Silence.

Filled with only the absence of breathing.

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,…" Kurt begins to whisper with a choked voice, pulling his hand out of Blaine's, staring Blaine right in the eye, before burying his face, still wet with tears, in his own hands.

The fear and pain he has just seen in Kurt's eyes has Blaine frozen momentarily. Blaine wants so badly to reach out and take Kurt in his arms and hold him, spend him the comfort the other boy, quite obviously, cannot find in himself right now.

Blaine though knows, although he has no idea how he does, that Kurt needs to stay in control should Blaine try to reach out again.

If Blaine is right and this has to do with 'Someone bullying, hurti…,' Blaine cannot bring himself to even think the word.

'I need to make sure he knows he is not left alone in this, whatever it is, wherever it comes from, that he is in control of making things better and I want to help in any way I can' so Blaine kneels on the bed before a still cowering Kurt, the one sentence Kurt had kept saying on the stairs in the cinema replaying in Blaine's head now. Blaine searching for meaning in the words making it up, or at least a clue.

A moment later Blaine softly whispers "Kurt, Love," and Blaine is sure he hears another whimper at that, "I am here, I am here with you."

Blaine leaves the words to linger and find a way to sink into Kurt's mind that - if the exterior of the boy is anything to go by – is completely overcrowded and whizzing and buzzing with thoughts and half-formed sentences covering, crowding everything.

Everything entirely too much.

Feeling he is left with no ground to stand on Kurt pulls his limbs closer towards his own core as to make sure all are still there.

The movement is almost as if to say, 'I am not losing more than my mind tonight.'

"Love, I am here," Blaine whispers again, and again, finally reaching out to place his soft palms to gently steady and cover the hands in which Kurt's face is still buried.

They are ice cold, and damp from the tears running in between Kurt's fingers.

And Blaine realizes it is not just Kurt's mind that needs comfort from Blaine that Kurt cannot find in himself tonight.

Kurt's body finds it impossible to generate any kind of warmth. The whole boy buried under the thoughts so heavy, they feel like a blanket of ice is covering him head to toe.

And as Blaine gently tugs at Kurt's hands and the boy finally uncovers his face the most prominent of blues that Blaine associates with Kurt's face is entirely in the wrong place.

When Blaine's eyes move from lips to eyes and lock with Kurt's there is the same lack of warmth in them as in the rest of Kurt's body. A light cold almost white blue. Pleading for help is all Blaine can find in them.

Kurt whispers "I am so cold," and with this Blaine does not care anymore about shotguns, flamethrowers and what else there might be somewhere in this house to inflict pain on someone, him.

Eyes and hands never leaving Kurt's, Blaine begins to shout, "Burt, Burt...BURT!"

Moments later an astonished looking Carole is standing in the doorway to Kurt's room.

"Blaine? How are you…," but the rest of the sentence dies on Carole's lips as she takes in Kurt.

"What is going on?" Burt can be heard asking as footsteps hurry up the stairs, "Did Kurt have another nightmare, he usually does not after having spent a night with Blai…BLAINE?"

Blaine is surprised both of Kurt's parents are still up, he has no idea if Finn is lurking somewhere in the doorway as well, still not breaking the eye-contact with Kurt.

Had Blaine found it in him to unlock his eyes from Kurt's he would have taken in the time, and the surprise would have quickly died away.

They had been back early and fallen asleep almost immediately, so it is actually only quarter to twelve, and still Friday.

Blaine does not know that, frankly not caring enough to want to know anything not immediately related to Kurt right now.

When Burt says his name again, in a more stern than surprised tone this time, Blaine even with all the concern for Kurt on his mind cannot help the thought creeping in there somewhere, 'Gosh, this is like a game of 'One of these things is not like the others';' and although Blaine knows he is out of place in the context of this bedroom, especially at night, he really feels like Kurt turning whiter and whiter and kind of blue with every shallow breath he takes, should be immediately recognized as the thing truly out of place in here tonight.


	4. Hot NeonGreen

**A/N: **One thing, Enjoy

**Addie117, Bethan-Holly**, here is the - as I think - long overdue second dedication of a chapter of one of my stories to you two. Thank you for all the love over the last two months. This is to say, I won't forget it, and, you are dear to me. **  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Hot Neon-Green<strong>

Before Burt's eyes even reach his son Carole is already by Kurt's side.

Blaine is confused when Burt does not immediately appear in his field of vision, next to Carole. So he glances shortly to the door and hears Kurt wince at the loss of Blaine's steadying gaze and almost simultaneously Carole say "Your dad will be right here, it will be okay Kurt."

Kurt looks unsure and frightened of just about everything when Blaine's eyes find his again.

Carole adds, gently pushing strands of hair that are clinging to Kurt's forehead, out of his eyes, "We need to get you out of these clothes, they are drenched with sweat."

"Just give me one moment to try and bring his body temperature up a little Carole," Burt says hurrying into the room.

"I am not going anywhere, I am right here," Blaine says, moving his right hand to rest on Kurt's left sock clad foot as he has to let go of Kurt's hands because Burt has wrapped his son into a quilt and is pulling him deep into his embrace, running his hands up and down the outside of the quilt.

Reassured by the touch of Blaine's hand still present at least somewhere on his body, Kurt allows himself to bury his face deep in his father's chest and to close his eyes mumbling into it, with a shaky voice, "I am sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry for here, Kurt. You hear me? Nothing," Burt almost hums in a low loving tone.

The next words come much harder.

"Kiddo, you had been doing so well ever since the move to Dalton. I shouldn't have allowed you to leave again," and Blaine has never heard Burt sound that sad or pained before.

Blaine finds himself staring at Burt in shock when the realization of what these words truely mean hits him.

"This has happened before?"

"I am so glad you were here Blaine."

Now this is really the last thing Blaine had expected to hear out of Burt's mouth tonight when he first began shouting Burt's name.

"I asked him to stay," Kurt says, teeth shattering.

"Oh son, if you knew it was coming why did you not tell me, I would…,"

Kurt shaking his head into his father's chest cuts him of "I did not know."

"You are not staying in here alone tonight Kurt," Burt says with finality.

"I am not alone anymore Dad. I have Blaine," Kurt says with a voice as innocent as certain.

Blaine could swear Kurt is attempting a smile, turning his face, eyes still closed, a little further into the direction he knows Blaine to sit in. There is a definite if delicate change in Kurt's features.

'Maybe I am just hoping for a smile too badly, after all the tears,' Blaine finds himself thinking.

But when Kurt lifts his head a little of his father's chest and truly turns to face Blaine, eyes opening in the movement, there is a genuine smile playing on the now less blue lips.

As gazes shift from lips and smiles and meet the boys register the relief in each other's eyes and the hesitant smiles grow soft, gentle and reassuring.

"Carole?" Burt asks, and Blaine can feel a sense of dread when she wordlessly takes Burt's place holding Kurt just as close as Burt had before.

There is a knot forming in Blaine's chest as Burt once again leaves the room without a word, neither Kurt nor Carole needing an explanation.

The feeling grows sickening and builds into a dizzying pressure at the realization that all these movements are not only known to all occupants of the house but practiced, smooth.

Blaine a moment ago had only worried that there might be a general routine going on here that he might get in the way of.

Now he sees it is a very specific one. And a routine existing at all 'means that this is a regular thing,' and Blaine has to choke back a dry sob at Carole's next words, because they leave him with less doubt about this being a sad constant in Kurt's life, and with less hope it might not be.

"I will go make you your tea and soup," she says, placing a soft kiss to Kurt's forehead, and running a hand tenderly through his hair.

"And a hot-water bottle? The big neon-green one?" Kurt asks softly.

"Of course sweetheart, I will be right back," Carole replies, directing Kurt into a lying position before she leaves.

The boys' eyes are locked again as soon as Carole's last touch leaves Kurt.

Blaine as he scoots a little closer and about to move to intertwine at least his right hand with Kurt's left again notices his boyfriend fighting the exhaustion with every blink of his eyelashes.

So Blaine moves a little closer still, rsting his right on Kurt's lower back and whispers softly "It's okay Kurt, I am here. You can close your eyes, rest."

"I am sorry Blaine, but no he can't," Burt's voice sounds harsh cutting through the quiet that had just settled in the room.

Burt places a tiny bottle of pills on the nightstand next to the glass of water, Blaine had left there this evening, then he immediately turns to Kurt sitting down next to him on the bed. "Layers off!" Burt says in an almost commanding tone, but soft, gently coaxing Kurt back into a sitting position.

Kurt does not protest, 'A sure sign of utter exhaustion with Kurt,' Blaine thinks. Knowing his boyfriend does usually not respond well to orders, or not at all.

As Kurt shivers, at losing the warmth the quilt had held around him, Burt asks "Why were you still wearing that jacket anyway, you had been asleep before, right?"

"It is Blaine's," and Kurt wonders for a moment if his dad will need more explanation than that.

But as Kurt fully openes his eyes and looks over at his dad he sees only a look of understanding and a second later Burt says in a gentle voice, "You need to take it off now Kurt, I am sorry."

"I know Dad."

"You can have my sweatshirt," Blaine immediately offers.

But Burt shakes his head and places one hand on Blaine's hands as he already reaches down for the hem of his sweatshirt and is about to pull it off, "He needs to wear less under the quilt, so his own body warmth will heat up all of the air trapped under the blanket, and not just the air layered directly under his clothes, he would just soak the fresh clothes with sweat again within minutes if they are too heavy." Blaine nods in understanding, and Burt pats Blaine's hands affectionately before turning back to his son.

"How can you even fall asleep in those things?" Burt asks nodding down at Kurt's skinny jeans.

"I was exhausted," Kurt answers, and Blaine can see the instant regret at confessing this to his dad on Kurt's face.

"What happened?" Burt asks very serious.

"Nothing," and that is the last Kurt wants to say about it all, so he starts to shakily pull the jacket of himself, then the eggshell colored shirt he has been wearing all night, left only in his jeans, boxers and socks.

After pulling of said socks Kurt reaches for his belt and Burt throws a pointed look at Blaine. Kurt notices and is quick to say "Dad! Blaine knows what I look like in my boxer shorts. We have been together for months."

"Right," and Burt does not look angry, just like he feels a little, 'a whole lot out of place,' Kurt thinks.

Blaine feels a little out of place too it seems to Kurt, or at least awkward, as Blaine immediately tries to busy himself, jumping up and walking over to Kurt's dresser, "Love, what can I get you to change into?"

"Just, m-m-my," now that the quilt and clothes are off Kurt's teeth are shattering again, "my light blue half-long PJ bottoms and my favorite white shirt, you know, the one reading…"

"I know the one," Blaine says throwing a real smile, this time, over his shoulder at Kurt.

Burt helps Kurt, by now only left in his boxer shorts, up from the bed and as soon as Kurt stumbles a little, Blaine is there to help him over to the bathroom.

Door half-closed Kurt changes, and as he walks slowly back out into his room Carole is back, and Blaine has a bowl of soup of his own, already eaten empty, in his hands.

Kurt walks over to the dresser and can feel the worried eyes of three people on him all the while.

As he starts searching for something Burt says "Already got them for you," pointing towards a spot on the bed.

Blaine is by his side as soon as he starts walking over towards his bed.

"May I?" Blaine asks with a soft smile.

Kurt and Burt both look confused at Blaine, only Carole has a knowing smile on her face.

"We might as well make the best of this. Right, Love?" Blaine says as he scoops Kurt up in his arms and carries him over to the bed. The squeal Kurt lets out at being literally, this time, swooped of his feet, has everyone chuckle a little, even Kurt himself as he briefly ravels in the opportunity to bury his cold fingers in the pockets of Blaine's sweatshirt and his cold nose and cheeks in the warmth radiating - even through the clothes - from Blaine's upper body.

As Blaine lowers him gently onto the bed and is about to move to sit back down next to Carole at the foot of the bed, Kurt grabs hold of Blaine's forearms.

"Don't," he says with a pleading gaze, looking slightly scared again.

"It is okay, Blaine, you can sit with him. Kurt, the quilt! Or you will never warm up," Burt says reaching for the bottle of pills on the nightstand.

Blaine sits himself behind Kurt leaning against a pillow placed against the headboard and places a kiss into Kurt's hair as soon as Kurt has moved back a little to lean against Blaine's chest, both of Blaine's legs resting slightly bent to the sides of Kurt's body.

Kurt begins to fumble with his favorite pair of especially fluffy socks and shivers a little as he feels Blaine's breath ghost over the skin on the right side of his neck, as he asks once again "May I?" It is a warm sound that has Kurt shiver.

As soon as Kurt nods, letting out a small "Mmh," Blaine's hands are moving gently along the backs of Kurt's hands, and Kurt trembles a little at the soft, and too him, today, hot touch.

Kurt watches as Blaine's hands work away, untangling the pair of socks and one is instantly dropped onto the mattress.

"Right foot," Blaine says in a soft low voice, and gosh, never has Kurt thought putting on socks could ever be that intriguing.

"Left foot," Kurt beats Blaine to it this time, in a joking almost happy sounding voice that makes Blaine chuckle lightly and place a kiss to the back of Kurt's neck after the task is accomplished.

Kurt loves the vibrations of Blaine's chuckling and breathing running over his body, and he is about to turn to the side and snuggle deeper into Blaine's arms as he hears Burt's voice "The quilt Kurt, please put it back around you. If you want any chance at sleep tonight you need it. Blaine, would you?" Burt adds handing Blaine the quilt.

Kurt smiles as Blaine helps him wrap himself tightly into the quilt, only fingertips and head peeking out a little on the top.

Carole hands Blaine the neon-green hot-water bottle and Kurt almost looks happy as the warmth first touches his toes.


	5. Uneasy

**A/N: **

Somehow the writing process of this feels slow, but I guess that is because there are specific details that I need to get in, so yes that makes it harder to write.

I hope it is an enjoyable read.

M**  
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><p><strong>Uneasy<strong>

Burt allows the two boys a moment of comforting quiet before he reaches for the glass of water on the nightstand and asks for his son's attention "Kurt."

Blaine feels Kurt nod into his chest then watches him lower the quilt in the front just as much as absolutely necessary so his hands are free to take the glass of water from Burt's right and pick up two pills out of the palm of Burt's left hand.

"What are they?" Blaine asks in a voice that tells he is not sure whether he really wants to know.

Burt picks up on Blaine's uncertainty and fear for Kurt's well-being.

He is quick to reassure Blaine, "They are just some pills to help get the circulation in Kurt's body going again a little faster, so he will be calm enough to find some sleep later on tonight. They are no heavy medication in any way. They can have some unpleasant side effects though if Kurt does not take them before he eats. We learned that the hard way."

"Yes," Kurt mumbles, pulling his face into a mask of disgust, as he hands the empty glass back to his father, "I remember."

Blaine makes eye-contact with him and mouths 'You got sick?'

Kurt nods, still looking unhappy, then he asks "Can you help me warm up a little more? I have to wait a couple of minutes before I can eat something."

Blaine smiles in answer, knowing Kurt will get the message, then moves slow and gentle, tenderly pulling Kurt - once again tightly wrapped into the quilt - back deeper into his arms.

Burt gives it a couple of minutes then asks "Feels okay?"

The words leave Burt's mouth in a quiet, soft voice, Blaine had not been familiar with until tonight.

Kurt nods looking serious and half-whispering "Warmer," and Burt smiles at his son.

"The better will happen soon too," Kurt adds looking up at Blaine, the same earnest expression on his face.

And Blaine could swear his heart just gave a jump, in the way that it did the day Blaine first laid eyes on Kurt.

And now Kurt is laughing.

"Laughing? Kurt, you are not turning all hysterical on me tonight. Are you?" Burt asks, concern lacing his voice when he adds, "We had that once, remember? It wasn't pretty."

"Not hysterical," Kurt says briefly glancing at Blaine again.

Blaine thinks he knows what it is.

That glint of excitement Blaine caries in his eyes whenever he remembers the first day with Kurt in his life, Blaine knows he is bad at hiding it, and Kurt is great at spotting it in Blaine. They have discovered as much over the summer.

That is, because really, Blaine does not ever want to hide it at all. 'You make me feel so alive,' Blaine finds himself thinking, 'how could I ever gloss that over? Why would I ever want to?'

Blaine wants to say it out loud, can feel his tongue begin to move to aid in forming the first sound, then refrains remembering Burt and Carole.

As Burt watches Kurt relax further into Blaine's touch, he allows his eyes to close and himself to still for a brief moment. The only movement visible on him is the frown that forms on his forehead at the memory of how horribly wrong some of these nights have gone in the past.

Carole knows her husband's tense expression all too well, so she walks over to him and places her left hand in his right. Burt gives an unconvincing smile as he opens his eyes again. Carole knows that too and squeezes Burt's hand lightly in reassurance.

Together, they settle on the foot of the bed. Carole resting her head on Burt's shoulder, and Burt finally able to let go of the worst of his memories, rests his head gently on Carole's, not ready to get up and leave the room just yet.

Eventually Blaine leaves Kurt's side to change into a dark blue shirt of Kurt's and some long hot-pink PJ bottoms that belong to Kurt as well. Chosen purely because Blaine knows they are far too big on himself and that never fails to make the boy with the skin-tight-jeans-only-policy smile.

Kurt has a steaming hot cup of tea in his hands – which are once again peeking out slightly from under the quilt – when Blaine comes back and sits down in his former position, gently placing his hands on Kurt's sides.

And as he looks over Kurt's shoulder he happily and not without pride notices 'Yes, Kurt has been grinning into his mug ever since I walked out of the bathroom door.'

Carole hands Blaine a bowl of soup for Kurt and they soon start alternating the cup and bowl between his and Kurt's hands until both are empty.

Burt, a more honest smile on his lips this time, takes the dishes out of Blaine's and Kurt's hands.

The boys finally have a moment of quiet again when Carole and Burt leave for the kitchen. Kurt insists they use it for brushing their teeth "Because I feel sleepy already."

And so they do, then settle back onto the bed.

"So, you two will be fine in here?" Carole asks standing in front of Kurt and Blaine when she returns.

"Yes," Kurt replies, keeping it simple, hoping to avoid any lengthy conversation.

"Kiddo?" Burt asks.

"You want to know why I snuck Blaine in even though I knew you would have said yes had I asked if he could stay."

Burt nods for Kurt to continue, and Blaine looks dumbfounded, it being the first he hears of this.

"I was scared You would say no," Kurt says to his dad, "and I really needed You tonight," Kurt continues quickly turning to Blaine.

"I understand," Burt says.

And Blaine wants to scream 'I DON'T,' because really none of it makes any sense to him.

"Goodnight Kurt," Carole says placing a kiss to Kurt's forehead.

"Goodnight Blaine," and Blaine is stunned and distracted from the big question mark still swelling in his head as Carole leans in and places a kiss to his forehead as well, adding softly "Thank you for being there for Kurt like this. I know he sometimes has things he feels he cannot come to us with. I am so glad he has you in his life."

And Blaine tries to look grateful, but all he is reminded of by Carole's words is Karofsky and what he did to Kurt; because really as much as Kurt seems to have forgiven Karofsky, Blaine sees no reason he should; even less so now, if anything. And certainly not after having seen Kurt looking so hurt and most of all lost - somewhere in himself Blaine suspects - tonight.

So as Blaine half registers Burt uttering his "Goodnight Boys," before following Carole out of the room, all the anger Blaine just felt towards Kurt is already gone.

'Because really, Kurt must have had a reason to pretend his dad did not want me to spend nights over. All summer,' Blaine thinks with a pang. 'Kurt always has reasons,' but Blaine cannot help but wonder if this time he will understand them.

Blaine hears a soft purring sound and knows the boy in his arms has fallen asleep.

'Now would not have been the time to ask anyway.'

"Tomorrow," Blaine murmurs to himself as he shifts his body and Kurt's to lie on the bed, slightly untangling the quilt so he can climb under it next to Kurt, and Kurt moves to rest his head on Blaine's chest immediately.

The material of the inner layering feels incredibly soft, a comforting touch, almost like a hug itself.

It is the first night they ever stay in each others' arms.

And Blaine loves holding Kurt, loves the feel of Kurt right with him, loves not having to let go.

And Blaine hates that still he drifts into sleep feeling uneasy.


	6. Hold The Moment Pass The Memory Please

**A/N: **I have mixed feelings about this chapter, so it would be really great to know if you think it is in tune with the rest of the story so far.

Love, M

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><p><strong>Hold The Moment…Pass The Memory Please<strong>

Blaine wakes up, a warm body in his arms.

It takes a moment, and a glance down to the head still resting on his chest to remember all that has happened.

'I do that too when I fall asleep feeling cold,' Blaine thinks, 'stay in the same position all night,' and as he looks out of the window he wonders why exactly that is.

The sky still covered in rain clouds - that to Blaine look the same as the ones they walked under last night when leaving the cinema - give of nothing more than a gray light making it impossible to tell the time of day.

Blaine looks from the window and the piece of sky back down at his boyfriend and smiles at the writing on Kurt's shirt.

'Yes, he definitely does like boys,' Blaine thinks pressing a kiss into Kurt's hair, remembering all the time they had spent – especially in the first months of their relationship - making out either one of them wearing this shirt.

'Maybe because it was the first piece of clothes we ever switched, the only we kept switching back and forth,' Blaine thinks.

It had started as a joke.

Blaine had said something to Kurt about how hot he looked with that writing on his chest, and Kurt had looked at himself in the mirror unable to see it.

Blaine had noticed Kurt's doubtful, incredulous expression and had felt unable not to tease "Maybe it is just the shirt." To which Kurt had replied by taking it off, leaving Blaine to stare at his chest for only a brief moment before quickly pulling on a light green shirt; at the time, only in the second month of dating, still feeling too self-conscious around Blaine.

Next thing Blaine knew Kurt had thrown the shirt to him saying "Let's see then."

After that the switching of clothes had become a constant with them, a way to feel close in this long distance relationship, and Kurt had received separate phone calls from both Wes and David informing him that Blaine was walking around much less in his Dalton uniform, and both asking Kurt to tell Blaine to please leave it on for Warblers' practice at least.

"It is clear who _they_ think wears the trousers in this relationship, and I haven't even ever lent you any of my skirts, yet," Kurt had joked, adding the last word with a wink.

Knowing Kurt has spent a fair amount of time wearing this shirt makes wearing it himself only the more special to Blaine, and he knows Kurt must feel the same still wearing it frequently even though it has been worn so much already that the writing is beginning to fade prematurely.

Blaine runs his left hand through Kurt's hair affectionately, with Kurt still snuggled into Blaine's left side.

Minutes pass before Kurt begins to stir and lets out a little cough.

Blaine can feel Kurt stilling in the second before he looks up at him. And Blaine knows it is the moment when all the memories of last night come rushing back into his boyfriend's head.

Blaine still feeling unsure of so many things tries to give a warm smile, left hand stilling in Kurt's hair.

Their eyes connect for the briefest instance before Kurt's hands both come up to cover his face.

"Kurt it's okay, your hair looks fine. Gorgeous, actually."

"I did not want you to see me like that."

Kurt sounds small and his voice is breaking several times getting the sentence out.

Blaine knows that Kurt is not talking about today, this morning.

"I never wanted you to see me like that," Kurt chokes out again sitting up and turning away from his boyfriend's gaze.

Blaine moves to sit as well, and rests his hand gently on Kurt's back, starts running the palm of his left up and down Kurt's back scooting a little closer to Kurt.

"Is that why you never told me your dad would have all this time been okay with me sleeping over?"

Blaine can feel the moment drag before the shaking begins and he knows Kurt is crying again, quietly, into the hands covering his face.

"Kurt?" Blaine adds softly, still hoping for an answer that will make it possible to be there for Kurt in the way he needs.

Blaine hates that he cannot look into Kurt's eyes right now to say something without having to use words.

He moves his legs to Kurt's sides and reaches around to place his right hand on Kurt's right thigh, stroking it up and down at a pace intended to be soothing.

He holds still for a moment when he feels the shaking ebb away a little and feels relieved when he can hear something that seems almost calm in Kurt's voice as he speaks "Blaine?"

"Yes. Yes, Love, I am right here," Blaine says in a low, quiet voice, squeezing Kurt's right upper thigh in assurance.

"Come closer, please."

And so Blaine moves to fully rest his chest against Kurt's back, and his arms to encompass all of Kurt.

Kurt curls as deep into the touch as he can, longing for Blaine and his love for him to replace the confusion he can feel tearing at him from all sides.

Blaine wants to ask, wants to know, wants the chance at making Kurt feel better, get better, eventually.

He does not know that what he does next hurts Kurt badly.

Blaine will only find out much later how badly, "What is wrong?"

And Kurt wants to curl up and die and he wants to scream from the top of his lungs 'I DON'T KNOW,' because he really does not and that is precisely the problem. A problem, a pain he needs no reminding of.

"Kurt, what did he…," Blaine holds his breath for one moment then adds, pain in his own voice, still hoping he is wrong "what did they do to you?"

And Kurt has no, just simply has no straightforward answer to that, not even for Blaine, so he whispers "Just hold me. Please."

"Who are you afraid of?" Blaine asks, telling himself he has to try a last time before giving in to Kurt's pleading request.

Kurt let's out the answer with a heavy breath and Blaine thinks he must have heard wrong because he could swear Kurt just said "Myself," and how could that make sense.

"Kurt?" Blaine says tenderly, but Kurt shakes it all off now, turning around and pressing his right cheek deep into Blaine's chest "Just…just hold me."

So Blaine tenderly places his left, fingers splayed, to rest on Kurt's hair.

xxxx

Kurt does not let Blaine go the whole day, and in the evening when Blaine leaves for two hours to get some of his stuff from his parents' house so he can stay with Kurt for a couple of nights more, he comes back to find Burt sitting with Kurt, Kurt wrapped tightly into the quilt and Burt's arms again, looking pale.

Burt eventually allows Blaine to take his place and Kurt falls asleep much in the same fashion as the night before. Blaine whispering about being sorry he left at all, and Kurt wanting to tell him it is not his fault, and how relieved he is to know Blaine is with him again. But Kurt is too exhausted, tired most of all and so he tries to put all of his gratitude and love into the touches of his left hand running slow and gentle over Blaine's chest, Kurt's head resting once again over his boyfriend's heart.

Blaine can tell Kurt has fallen asleep when his hand stills, and the tears that had been coming and going for the last hour stop completely.

Blaine slips out from under Kurt, when he thinks enough time has passed so he can be fairly certain it won't wake him.

Blaine needs answers, and if Kurt won't give them he has to go look for them elsewhere.


	7. How Do You Ask For A Question?

**A/N: **I hope I captured this side of Burt - which we don't get to see on the show, but I strongly believe is there - in a way that you find relatable.

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><p><strong>How Do You Ask For A Question?<strong>

Carole is considering which pair of PJs will be more comfortable to wear to bed tonight - in the rainy but not yet that cold weather – when Burt makes his way into their bedroom.

As she combs her hair she watches in the mirror how the man she loves starts his semi-disguised pacing, walking into the bathroom for one to brush his teeth, but also to forget to wash his face, so he can justify walking the distance again.

After all bathroom routines are performed, including flossing, twice, the same ritual continues with several trips to the wardrobe to gradually change into light blue, white and black stripped PJs that Carole knows Kurt got his dad for this year's father's day. "Dad would never buy something that nice for himself to wear to bed," Kurt had told Carole as they had stood, both with wide smiles on their faces, as they had watched Burt unpack the parcel.

When finally there is nothing left to change out of or into, to clean or scrub Burt sits down on the edge of their bed, and Carole moves to sit down next to him.

Burt opens his mouth as to speak, and Carole frowns at the lack of sound.

Burt had gotten angry, a lot, when the true extent of bullying Karofsky had put Kurt through had come to light and Carole can see the same frown form on Burt's face today, right now.

Back then, for two whole days, Burt had not even spoken to Kurt. Carole remembers how a concerned Kurt had stood before her, in tears, asking her to apologize for him to his dad for not putting his trust in him to begin with.

Carole had held Kurt a lot during those days and reassured him again and again that it was not at all the case that his dad was angry with Kurt.

Carole knew Burt had been sad more than anything, and angry only with himself.

Most of all she remembers seeing the fear in her husband's eyes at the time.

Burt had been scared out of his mind that after getting closer the previous year, Kurt was now actively moving their relationship back into the same state it had been in before Kurt had come out to his father. Closed off, both of them, to each other.

Burt had told Carole how much guilt he felt for not assuring his son enough, that he was and is and always will be loved no matter who he should find himself fall in love with.

So it comes as no surprise to Carole that Burt, after staring angrily ahead of himself for several minutes begins to spill tears.

The thoughts keep coming, and yet Burt can hardly remember a time in which he has ever felt as empty.

'All those years,' Burt thinks to himself, 'all those years that I…food, money, clothes, a roof over his head…for years that was all I gave him. You died,' Burt thinks closing his eyes as if to make out a trace of Kurt's mother left in himself, 'and I, I treated him like a stranger. I was not there for him then, and now there is a part of his life that I know nothing about.'

Carole moves closer to him, and takes his left hand between both of hers, squeezing lightly.

"I want to be able to help him. There is nothing I can do."

"You tried," Carole reminds him then adds "Try, sometimes that is all you can do."

Carole lets out a heavy sigh before she continues "Give Blaine a chance to try as well."

"No."

"Burt!" Carole sounds almost angry herself now.

"I said no," Burt whispers this time, sounding if not unsure concerned.

"Why?" Carole won't let it go that easy, after all this is a chance for Kurt to get better; really and actually better this time.

And she thinks how that hope the possibility for it alone must be hard on Kurt, 'So scary, so difficult,' and maybe in itself the trigger that brought on the last days' pain for Kurt.

"He has hurt Kurt before. I cannot let Kurt place his trust in Blaine and then when they break up…"

"If."

"Sorry?"

"IF they break up." Carole says with a small smile.

"Fine, IF they break up Kurt will feel more alone than ever and I won't be able to do a single thing. I cannot lose him again. It took so much to regain his trust after how ignorant I consciously was during Kurt's first teenage years."

"Burt."

"Yes."

"I understand you are scared, but you cannot hold on to Kurt like this forever, it will only make him run back out into the cold you once left him in."

Carole takes a deep breath before she allows herself to add "Kurt might get hurt so much worse than before."

Burt winces at the thought alone, "I cannot lose him again."

"Then you need to trust Kurt to make the right choices, Burt. And…give Blaine a chance. Please? For Kurt. He needs more than your love, your acceptance, or mine. I think Blaine can be that more for him."

"You think he could handle it all? You think Blaine could be what Kurt needs?"

"Yes," Carole replies without hesitation, not because she is so sure of it, she isn't, but she is certain that Burt right now needs the hope that comes with this one common word spoken by her in reply.

"You need to tell him what is going on though; otherwise he won't have a shot at helping, not truly. I fear Kurt not only won't but maybe can't tell him. You might remember more than Kurt actually does himself, and Blaine needs to be prepared for what Kurt might open up to him about. I fear Blaine won't be able to help Kurt and be there for him in the way Kurt needs if it is all sprung on him at once."

"I cannot ask Blaine to be there for Kurt like that," Burt replies sounding helpless, because that is how he feels. Even saying it though, he knows there is little other choice. "It is so much to ask," he adds in a whisper.

"Don't you think Kurt would if he knew how? Being a parent does not mean you have to be everything for your child all by yourself, it means you have to give everything and do everything You can and that includes realizing when you need to get someone else involved, and acting based on that knowledge. Sometimes that is the only thing you can do, get help for the person you love. Anyone who says that is not enough on your part really must be very, very clueless."

"I still want to protect him, so badly. I wish I had protected him better in the past," Burt chokes out, fresh tears already half-way down his cheeks.

Carole is still wiping them away when there is a knock on their bedroom door.


	8. A Question Of Speaking Your Mind

**A/N: **Thank you for reviewing. Your thoughts make writing so much more special to me. Most of my writing would be impossible if it were not for your support, be it praise or helpful criticism. Please PLEASE keep letting me know how you feel about where I am taking this story, Kurt and Blaine. At least four more chapters to come after this. Your words are inspiring in so many ways. THANK YOU. **This chapter is for everyone who has ever reviewed this story or PMed to me about it.****  
><strong>

LOVE, M

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><p><strong>A Question Of Speaking Your Mind<strong>

"Come in," Carole says, raising her voice just a little, "Yes Finn?"

"I just wanted to know how Kurt is doing," Finn replies eyes only briefly darting to Burt's back already disappearing in the bathroom.

"He is alright." Seeing the doubtful look on her son's face she adds, "Better, now that Blaine is back and staying over for some days."

"Mom?"

"Yes darlin'."

"Is there anything I can do? I feel bad about just standin' by, like I don't care; because I really do care, Mom."

"Oh, honey," Carole says walking over and pulling Finn into a gentle hug.

"He knows you care, we all do. Just keep your eyes open, try to be there for him should he need you. That is really all any of us can do. You know Kurt, I'm sure he'll appreciate you not making a big fuss about him more than anything."

Finn breathes out heavy then lets go of his mom. As he turns to leave he is met with Blaine's face in the doorway. Finn simply moves to squeeze Blaine's left shoulder affectionatly as he passes him noticing Blaine's eyes are already darting towards Carole "I'm sorry to bother you but…"

"Is there something wrong with Kurt?" Carole says looking alert instantly.

"No, no Carole, please don't worry even more than I know you already do. He is asleep. I was just wondering if I could talk to…"

"Me?"

Blaine's eyes meet Burt's as he walks back out of the bathroom.

"Yes," Blaine sound small. Feeling out of place especially when he notices 'His eyes, there is no way he hasn't been crying. Should I just...'

"I can go and we can talk another time about..."

"About Kurt," Burt nods.

"I, I just…," Blaine sounds hesitant and takes a deep breath trying to steady himself.

"You want to know what we can tell you," Carole says softly as she moves to briefly and gently trace a hand along Blaine's right shoulder.

"Yes."

"I'm afraid I won't be able to be much of a help with this," Carole's voice appears pained to Blaine. "I'll go talk to Finn again, you two take your time." With that Carole is out of the door and Burt and Blaine stand for a moment, awkwardly glancing at each other.

"You want to maybe go downstairs Kid?" Burt eventually asks, "Might be less awkward."

Blaine is quick to nod, so the two make their way downstairs, in silence, but not without stopping by Kurt's room for a brief moment, only to find the boy sound asleep.

After they are both settled down in the living room - Blaine on the couch and Burt in one of the armchairs, both a glass of water fetched from the kitchen in hand - the silence is first broken when Blaine clears his throat.

"Please Burt, can you help me understand what is going on with Kurt? I have never seen him like this, and it seems he wanted to keep it that way for as long as he could. You know, he never even told me you were okay with me staying over!"

"Can't say I did, Blaine."

But Blaine only half registers Burt's answer his mind already having moved on from this now surprisingly insignificant seeming detail to a more pressing thought. When Blaine tries to inquire "Did he, did someone…" it comes out no louder than a whisper and Burt has to ask him to repeat the question in order to catch it.

"Did someone hurt him?"

"I think so, yes."

"What do you mean you think so?" Blaine says looking up from where his eyes had been fixed on the floor ever since they had settled down.

"I know you don't have the best relationship with your dad," Burt says and Blaine cannot bring himself to even try to suppress the snort he lets out at that, "It makes me happy to know that you think so highly of Kurt and my relationship but Kurt must have told you by now that it was not always like it is now. I am afraid," Burt adds in a low, sad voice, "I have not always been the father he deserves."

Blaine is only more confused by his words and Burt can see it in Blaine's eyes, so he goes on "Kurt is strong, we both know that, but he often thinks that is not enough, he thinks he needs to do more and all of it alone. So he never came to me with problems, especially bullying. Long before Karofsky even entered the picture, there were others, many of them. Kurt grew more and more independent and I allowed myself to be blind, to believe that because I did not witness it myself Kurt was not bullied anymore. The reality was that I had stopped spending as much time with Kurt as I did before. I left him alone with the bullying. I will never forgive myself for that."

"You don't know how bad it was?" Blaine asks in a small voice not wanting to sound or come across as judgmental.

"No, I don't," Burt answers sighing heavily, "Kurt never asked for help, not once, even after he came out to me."

Blaine nods because he knows 'No, my Kurt wouldn't,' and Blaine is reminded of the day they first met and the boy sitting opposite him, Wes and David, trying too hard, fighting to hold the hot burning tears inside.

"I am bad at asking for help myself, it is one thing I could never teach Kurt, how to ask for help when you need it. I am still learning from Carole in that department now. You need to know how to ask for help, to get it in the first place. That counts for all areas of life by the way," Burt adds as Blaine stays quiet.

And Blaine, despite everything cannot suppress the small warm smile flickering across his face at this fatherly advice just spilling out of Burt along with all the rest that needs saying.

"Everyone these days just assumes it is about that Karofsky kid, whatever is going on with Kurt. But you and I know there were others before him."

"Yes," Blaine whispers, feeling a sting at the thought alone.

"And when all this started Kurt was still so little he had first no clue what was going on, or how to defend himself, why he even should. So his mom and I did the defending for him. She was never anything but proud of him, just as he was. Just as he is. Growing older and more self-conscious and feeling left alone I think, and yes I do blame myself for it, he began to retreat. I did not question it. Maybe I blame myself for that the most, not asking enough questions. Soon, not asking any anymore. We did not have a real talk for over four years. The first time we hugged since his eleventh birthday was the night he came out to me. To be able to hold him again was...To again be able to tell him I love him meant so much. Means so so much."

"My Dad and I have never had a real talk in my life, well none that I remember." Blaine sounds sad saying this.

Burt nods then goes on, "In those years that we did not talk things happened, and I still am as much in the dark about most of them as I assume you are."

"You have no idea what they might be?" Blaine asks still trying to sound hopeful and optimistic that he will not have to put Kurt and himself, their relationship, through that kind of confrontation. 'It is just something that could turn ugly so quick,' Blaine thinks to himself, 'and...and painful.'

Burt shakes his head then says, "He keeps having those attacks when he is reminded of something, often out of the blue. And the triggers are so seemingly random that I fear even Kurt himself has not realized what all of them are just yet; and there is no chance you can help him avoid being triggered or be there for him, recognize it as soon as it happens, unless he tells you what actually happened, all that he remembers of it at least."

"You don't think he remembers it all himself?"

"I think he…he might not," Burt pauses in an attempt to sort his own thoughts, "He has put up that wall not only to the outside world but also in himself, trying to keep a part of himself at bay that has been hurt so badly that feeling anything in that place became too much. I think it is not remembering what happened that tears open old wounds, but feeling compelled in those moments - forced almost - to take a hard look at himself and what he first felt back then and how he feels now, and what that means to him. What he thinks that tells him about himself."

And suddenly the sentence Blaine cannot help slipping from his thoughts and over his lips makes sense "I am so ashamed."

Blaine cannot help but feel relieved at Burt missing it, still deep in thought himself, "Kurt curls in on himself," Burt continues, "You are the first person he has ever allowed near him in any way while dealing with the aftermath of that pain rushing back to him. He always used to look so filled with fear for days after a new attack. I see how he looks at you now instead of just staring off into space. Instead of pain love, even warmth, in his eyes."

"I want to do more," Blaine blurts out, "so much more."

"I know Blaine. To me the hardest part is…Kurt was bullied so much that I never know if it is that something new has happened or something old has been triggered. When he met you that uncertainty did maybe not exactly lessen but at least stopped growing."

"Do you think me attempting to get Kurt to talk would be the right thing to do?"

"I am willing to let you try, and I am willing to trust that you would never cause Kurt any harm _on purpose_."

Blaine swallows hard, thinking he knows what Burt is talking about.

"_Still_, you need to be aware that that does not mean you won't cause him exactly that, even when you are trying to make things better, trying to help Kurt learn how to make things better for himself."

"I don't know what to do," Blaine whispers more to himself than Burt as he rests his head in his hands, closes his eyes and attempts to find focus; not for the first time tonight tries to see something he has missed so far.

'There must be a way, just...there must be.'


	9. Set Alight

**A/N: **So far it did not matter, but now it does, so I need to tell you: **Blaine is still at Dalton** in this story even though we are already a couple of weeks into Kurt's senior year at McKinley when the boys go to the cinema together in chapter one of this story. Yes, I consider it so important I put it in bold type. And yes, I wrote it this way, in part at least, because I was never really happy with how the show handled the transfer. Those of you who have stuck with me for a while know I am prone to rewrite storylines I did not completely love.

I love you completely though my dear readers.

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><p><strong>Set Alight<strong>

Blaine wakes up that night, several times, Kurt tossing and turning beside him.

He is immensely relieved when they make it to the next morning, the heaviest stormclouds having finally passed and with them part of the cold and the dark.

Blaine is awake long before Kurt this time. He watches the sunshine wander around the room until the boy in his arms stirs, unknowingly attracting Blaine's full attention.

Blaine can feel his heart beginning to race when Kurt moves to look up at him. There is a smile on his boyfriend's lips and a slight sparkle to his eyes. And then those lips are on Blaine's, and in no time the whole boy is pressing Blaine into the mattress.

Blaine feels a rush and an excitement only Kurt has ever made him feel and part of him wants to never stop but as Kurt moves to straddle Blaine, pressing him deeper into the mattress with a thrust of his hips, Blaine knows he has to stop this now or he will not at all.

He turns his head to the right, dragging his lips away from Kurt's, who only sees the movement as an invitation to press hot open-mouthed kisses along Blaine's neck.

"Kurt," Blaine tries but sounds too needy and not nearly stern enough.

Blaine cannot help thrust back when Kurt's hips come down again, and Kurt lets out a moan right into a gasping Blaine's left ear.

"Kurt," Blaine tries again, hands taking hold of Kurt's hips, stilling their persistent movement.

Eyes meet and Kurt is confused by what he finds in Blaine's.

"I thought you wanted it too," Kurt asks looking taken aback, a slight frown and a whole lot of self-doubt written on his face.

Blaine not wanting to confuse Kurt any further, and knowing words can too easily be misunderstood lets his right hand slip into Kurt's hair and gently guides him down into a kiss. Lips caressing Kurt's with a light touch, the kiss turning deep, while remaining slow and gentle, as both boys open their mouths and tongues meet.

Minutes pass before a panting, smiling Kurt draws back, and allows his head to settle half on Blaine's shoulder, half in the crook of his neck. Kurt's whole body relaxed into Blaine's.

Passion is beautiful and brilliant and Blaine loves the feel of it, but not as much as the feel of Kurt relaxing into him.

Yes, sex is wonderful, amazing really, but Blaine cannot help find more meaning in being able to be this close to each other with their clothes still on. Comfort and the feeling of closeness, so far they have not figured out how to combine that with, translate it into their sex life, always getting carried away in the end. And Blaine thinks that is not what either of them needs right now.

They stay in each other's arms for neither boy knows how long, Blaine's arms around Kurt's middle, fingers splayed on his lower back and Kurt's hands resting next to both sides of Blaine's head, not quite tangled in Blaine's curls but in part touching them lightly, breathing together.

There is a knock on the door and Blaine is surprised that the often otherwise jumpy Kurt does not move.

As Blaine looks down from the ceiling he has been staring at to Kurt's face, he notices the boy is fast asleep again.

When the door opens slowly and his eyes meet Carol's Blaine blushes. And as Blaine makes to move out from under Kurt Carole whispers "He looks so peaceful, please don't, not on my account."

Blaine nods, although still feeling slightly awkward then remembers that he really should not, after all there have been enough Friday evenings and Saturday afternoons that they have spent cuddled up on the living room couch much like this, with the rest of the family sitting somewhere around the room watching a movie or some TV.

Carole moves to speak again when Kurt stirs and his eyes flutter open, "What is it?", a light voice can be heard.

"Hey, you are awake," Blaine coos.

"Is that what it looks like?" Kurt half jokes.

Carole is smiling when she speaks again, drawing both boys attention to herself, "I just wanted to make sure you two are okay before I go meet some friends. I know it is Sunday but your dad was called to the garage on an emergency and you know him, he never passes up an opportunity to challenge himself a little," Blaine thinks that sounds a lot like someone else he knows, "and Finn is…"

"Over at Pucks," Kurt says.

"Yeah," Carole says, smile growing wider.

"We will be fine," Kurt murmurs into Blaine's chest, and Blaine just gives a small tilt of his head in affirmation.

"I left you some fruit salad in the fridge and we still got some cream cheese and bagels.

"Thank you Mom," Kurt says in reply.

Blaine has never heard Kurt call Carole that before, and maybe it is because he is still sleepy, but Kurt does not seem to think it in any way out of the ordinary.

Carole '…does not look surprised, more excited,' Blaine thinks looking back at her, and it makes him suspect that yes it has happened before but probably not that often.

"I see you latest at dinner. I will start preparing for it around half seven tonight in case you should decide you are interested in helping out. Bye now sweeties," Carole says turning to leave.

"Bye, and thank you," Blaine replies.

"Bye," Kurt echoes his boyfriend before he lets out a contented sigh.

**xxxx**

The morning passes with more snuggling, and with the sun still out when Kurt and Blaine finally leave the bed Kurt suggests a picnic in the backyard.

"Open air eating. I love it," Blaine says.

And after Kurt and Blaine both have changed into comfy sweatpants that all had belonged to Blaine at some point, but somehow have found their way into Kurt's closet in the last months, they both pull on t-shirts, comfy sweaters and extra warm socks.

As they make their way downstairs they are already holding hands again and Kurt a picnic blanket he has always stored in the summer section of his closet.

After a quick stop in the kitchen to fetch the food and make some hot honeybush tea, they enter the backyard.

The silence is comfortable as they drink and eat, and Kurt snuggles back into Blaine's side, resting his head on Blaine's right shoulder as he chews on his bagel.

Blaine is tempted to ask several times. 'But what exactly would I ask for?' he thinks every time, so after short deliberation with himself Blaine decides that Kurt deserves the break he seems to be able to give himself today and really who is Blaine to destroy that.

**xxxx**

Blaine learns a lot that day about the area surrounding the Hummel's house.

Kurt points out that there is a forest, and of course Blaine has to go explore.

"Can we?" Blaine asks eyes wide with arrant excitement.

"Of course," Kurt replies beaming himself, Blaine's childlike excitement contagious a so often.

Stepping into the forest Blaine immediately notices that it is late enough in the year already to find trees set alight with color.

"I love how the trees branching out furthest draw circles of color under themselves on the ground. So beautiful," Kurt's voice sounds soft and the boy himself deep in thought adding the last sentence.

Blaine does for once not feel the pressure to hold back with his affections with nothing but the beauty of nature surrounding them, and so instantly takes both of Kurt's hands, running his thumbs along the backs of them, gently caressing the skin there.

They have stopped under a tree that is still holding on to some leaves but mainly has shed them effectively coloring the ground the boys stand on yellow.

And as the sun comes out again behind a quickly passing cloud, driven by the wind, the boys now kissing soft and deep are bathed in the light of the warming autumn sun, seemingly setting the ground they are standing on alight with a yellow, in spots almost golden glow.

The rest of the walk passes in silence, all the boys need to know already communicated in the way Kurt's left and Blaine's right hand hold and caress each other.

The boys pick some especially colorful leaves both finding them inspiring in their unique appearance created by nature alone.

When they get back to the house, daylight already fading outside Carole and Burt are both there.

An hour later the four of them sit down for dinner, Finn having called saying he is staying at Puck's for that.

Some time into the meal Blaine notices Burt gradually looking more and more worried.

He also notices that Carole too keeps looking between Burt and Kurt.

Blaine knows there are lines forming on his forehead right now, but he relaxes a bit when Kurt, sitting to Blaine's left, reaches over with his right hand and places it over Blaine's left squeezing it affectionately, and smiling at Blaine for the rest of the meal whenever he is not looking down at his plate of food.

All the attention from Kurt makes Blaine feel warm and fuzzy that is until the realization hits him.

Kurt has been avoiding eye-contact with his father all through dinner, in fact ever since they came back from their walk.

And Blaine remembers Burt talking about Kurt's eyes being filled with love instead of fear now that Blaine is in the picture, but suddenly, unlike the night before, Blaine is not so sure anymore that this is an entirely good thing, or even entirely real.

'How much of an act is Kurt really putting on?' Blaine cannot help but think and instantly feels a little hurt by the possibility alone.

'Would Kurt use me to try and throw Burt of his tracks?'

And suddenly Blaine finds himself worrying that to Kurt this is all still more about others and keeping them happy than about himself and getting better.

It is then that Blaine knows there won't be another way. He will have to confront Kurt with all he now thinks he knows, and hope his boyfriend won't shut him out, or worse, shut down completely.

**xxxx**

It is a quiet evening and night at the Hummel's. At least on the surface it seems that way, but none of the people having had dinner together fall asleep easy that night.

**xxxx**

The next morning, confronted by Burt, Kurt refuses to talk; and Burt wonders whether that means he actually remembers something distinct this time.

Burt suspects he sometimes does remember things very specific, and that those have always been the times the recovery from this took the longest, can take weeks, not just days, or hours - in the most fortunate of cases.

**xxxx**

Blaine never once leaves Kurt's side in the days to come, both boys taking of the week from school.

The school year still being so young, there is not much to miss that cannot be made up for in the weeks to come, before the first exams that really count for something, even at Dalton.

**xxxx**

The morning of day six of Blaine's stay at the Hummel's, a Thursday, has Burt and Carole huddled up in the kitchen, the sound of their conversation - made up mainly of hushed whispers - filling the ground level of the house when Kurt and Blaine step out of Kurt's bedroom and make their way down the stairs.

Burt thinking back to Sunday's dinner has to wonder whether them being that inseparable is really such a good thing. He, after all, is the parent, and "It is my job to question whether the things, even the things and people Kurt thinks are good for him, really are simply that," he tells Carole.

Carole agrees but also reminds Burt that Kurt and Blaine need to get the opportunity to help each other through tough times like this "You cannot take that from them, we already talked about that Burt. And Burt," she pauses until he looks her in the eyes, "Blaine understands in ways we don't."

"I know."

"So give him a chance to help Kurt truly get better. Just sending Kurt back to Dalton will not help him in the long run. And we both know this is not because of something new going on at McKinley right now."

"We all know that it isn't that," both his parents spin around as they hear Kurt's voice coming from the entrance to the kitchen.

Kurt does not look angry but there is something else playing on his face.

The day before Kurt and Blaine had finally talked and Kurt now feels maybe not exactly ready but confident enough - and sure enough of himself - to try, at least try and deal not only with his own pain but with the unnerving, because in big parts unpredictable, reaction he might get from his family, allowing them closer.

* * *

><p>AN: From next chapter onwards this story will be rated M. But don't worry my dear readers, only for good reasons, very good reasons some of you might say. Want to take a guess?


	10. Only Ever You

**A/N:**

Okay, I think I am not really a vivid smut writer. I mean it was kind of fun in the beginning but then it just got HARD.

Yes, I am not a comedian either.

This is me losing my fanfiction-virginity. So be gentle *puppy-dog-eyes*

Would it be awkward to ask for reviews at this point?

Did I just do just that?

and

Do you think Santana would tell me too that I am terrible in bed?

* * *

><p><strong>Only Ever You<strong>

Two nights ago:

Blaine, sitting on the bed, watches Kurt's reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Kurt is currently brushing his teeth.

'Meticulous, like he does everything,' Blaine thinks, a smile spreading on his face.

As he makes his way back towards the bed Kurt's walk is unsteady.

Blaine is on his feet and holding Kurt close to his chest - both boys now standing in the middle of Kurt's bedroom - even before Kurt has the chance to so much as stumble.

"Hey. You okay?" Blaine asks softly, fingers running through Kurt's hair in an attempt to draw his focus to more pleasant thoughts and things.

It doesn't work.

The next sentence is all Blaine has been waiting for, for days now, that have seemed like years at times.

Yes, Blaine wants to know, how he can be there for Kurt even more than what actually happened. But, he in no way wants Kurt to be in pain because he isn't ready but feels like he has to explain, maybe even thinks he owes it to Blaine.

And right now, looking into Kurt's eyes all he can see is that pain, mingled maybe with a flicker of hope that going through it again, that this time reliving it, will be worth it.

"I need to talk to you about something," and Kurt does sound nervous, very.

If it has to be now Blaine needs to try to make it less painful, try to find a place of calm for both of them to at least physically rest while their minds are now already panting with exhaustion from how long a run it has been up to here and how alone both boys have felt at times even though they haven't left each other's side for more than mere minutes since Saturday night.

"Come," is all Blaine says, slowly walking over to the window with Kurt.

"Close your eyes," Blaine whispers.

"And now?" Kurt replies in a hushed voice of his own.

"Now you wait here for a second," Blaine says placing a kiss to Kurt's forehead.

Then Blaine's touch is all gone.

A couple of moments later he is back, and Kurt at the first renewed contact sinks deep into his embrace.

Blaine notices Kurt is shaking, "I'm sorry Love, I shouldn't…I am sorry I let go, I…"

Kurt lets out a heavy breath, "It's okay, you went to turn off the lights, I noticed. But why?"

"I also got your quilt. I want to share something with you." Having someone to share everything he loves in life with, that has been Blaine's favorite part about their relationship ever since they found one another. Even before they both fell in love with each other, with - in part at least - each other's love for life, despite all the pain they both have knowledge far too intimate of. Maybe a little because of it.

So Blaine thinks this is the perfect moment to share some more of the love. After all there is no reason they should plunge into darkness without some kind of light to hang on to and maybe '…maybe find back to our happiness a little faster,' Blaine thinks. And he loves the idea of being able to bring some light into Kurt's darkness, 'You might not know it yet, or know it but not believe it to be true but you have brought so much light and warmth into mine,' Blaine does not dare to speak this aloud, not today, not now. This is about Kurt; first and foremost Kurt.

Only now, feeling Blaine's hands tremble the slightest bit themselves brushing strands of hair out of Kurt's eyes, Kurt reopens them and locks his gaze with Blaine's.

"Yes?"

Blaine brings the quilt around them, more to keep Kurt close and their touch and warmth tangible to each other than for the warmth of the quilt itself. Then he moves to open the window.

The wind that had made leaving the house an unpleasant thought all day has now ebbed away and there are even some stars to be discovered in the patches of open sky visible between the clouds still bringing rain, now much gentler.

The weather has been anything but steady in the last days.

Blaine, taking a slow, drawn out, deep breath, one hand holding together the ends of the quilt the other gently wrapped around Kurt's torso to hold him close, says "You smell that, Love?"

"The rain," Kurt looks at Blaine like he is seeing him for the first time, "You love the rain too?"

Blaine moving to rest his forehead against Kurt's, both boys' eyes fluttering shut, whispers for only Kurt to hear "Not as much as I love you, but yes. Without the storm...I find it calming."

Kurt breathing deep himself now, partly to inhale as much of the cool, rain-scented night air as he can, in a bigger part in an attempt to steady his nerves, relaxes more into Blaine's arms.

He runs his right hand gently through Blaine's curls, over and over, until it comes to rest on the back of Blaine's head.

Kurt, putting light pressure on his right hand and tilting his own head so lips are brushing against Blaine's, is breathing hard now.

The quilt lies forgotten on the floor as Blaine's arms come both around Kurt, holding him – fingers splayed on Kurt's back – even closer.

A slight upward tilt of Blaine's head, Kurt's left joining his right hand in Blaine's hair and there is nothing anymore in their world than each other's warmth and touch.

Kurt is panting heavy into Blaine's mouth when they move to lie down on the bed, never once losing each other's touch.

Eyes lock again when Kurt pulls back a little.

And if Blaine still had the focus to remember his original intention in pulling Kurt closer in front of the open window a moment ago he could find the calm he had hoped to spend Kurt prominent in the other boy's eyes.

'So close, so at ease with you, I never want to lose this feeling again,' Blaine thinks, only able to let out "Kurt," in a soft gasp, hoping it will convey the thoughts he cannot find in himself to push over his lips.

Hands begin to wander and fingertips caress as their lips meet again and soon both boys are naked. Lying on their sides, looking deep into each other's eyes, one pair of hands resting intertwined between them, while Kurt's right and Blaine's left are stroking in a shared rhythm their lover's erection, firm, affectionate, slow; both boys taking in the gasps and pants visibly building in the other's body before leaving throats.

Nothing is forced tonight, no moans intended, exaggerated to catch the other's attention, turn him on more.

Every sound soft, speaking of the ease the other's presence spends.

When Kurt's hand leaves Blaine's cock and wanders further back in between Blaine's legs the loud gasping moan emitted by Blaine tells Kurt this is feeling right for both of them.

Kurt moves to initiate another kiss, while caressing Blaine in between his legs, a pair of hands all the while remaining linked.

A slight shift of forms and Blaine can feel all of Kurt's body gently pressing into him.

Fingers search and hands find each other, soon all four resting intertwined on the mattress to the sides of Blaine's head.

The boys' movements all come to a halt for a single moment when Kurt and Blaine simultaneously draw out of the kiss, eyes meeting.

Blaine's hands both gently slip out from under Kurt's to find Kurt's form and slowly glide down Kurt's sides, over hips, coming to rest on Kurt's ass.

Blaine smiles softly at Kurt as he, with light pressure, guides Kurt's hips down to meet his, creating a delicate friction between both boys' erections that has Blaine and Kurt gasp, and sets a spark in Kurt's eyes that has Blaine pant out what was intended as a whisper "Make love to me, Kurt."

There has always been that sense of hesitation that need for reassurance, not tonight. Kurt simply places a soft peck to Blaine's lips before he moves off, gets up, returning with a bottle of lube and a condom form the bathroom a moment later.

As Kurt kneels on the bed, placing the small bottle and the wrapper on the mattress, Blaine moves into a sitting position as well, opening his arms for Kurt to scoot into them.

Their right hands come to rest over each other's hearts. Soft reassuring touches, made only more insistent, almost urgent by the pressing, drumming of fast pumping hearts against chests and hands.

Holding each other close, hands remaining resting over hearts for minutes that no longer have meaning to either boy, Blaine initiates them lying down again.

Blaine the one covering Kurt, hands wandering and caressing, purely raveling in each other's presence.

Then settling his knees to either side of Kurt's lower body, Blaine takes the lube and Kurt's right hand, gently coating his boyfriend's fingers in the substance, building warmth.

Blaine scoots a little higher around Kurt's legs.

He aids Kurt in guiding his hand in between Blaine's ass cheeks.

Kurt's left and Blaine's right come to rest intertwined slightly above Kurt's head as Blaine moves to rest their foreheads together.

Kurt can feel all of Blaine's body shaking in anticipation.

As Kurt after gently caressing Blaine's hole, causing Blaine to shake even more, presses in the tip of a single finger Blaine lets out a gasping sound, and Kurt a low groan at the feel of Blaine's warmth encompassing even as small a part of himself as a single fingertip that completely.

Blaine is pressing their linked hands ever deeper into the mattress as Kurt begins to move his hand.

Soon both of them are moving, stretching Blaine open together, Kurt matching the slow circling movements of Blaine's hips above him with first the one then two and eventually three fingers. Kurt's fingers gliding along the sensitive insides of Blaine's body, slipping in and out in long, gentle movements and drawing moans and gasps from Blaine's mouth with every single touch.

Blaine is breathing deep and heavy against Kurt, foreheads resting together, eyes closed, both boys focusing on the sensation of their shared touches alone.

Fingers gliding gently not just over but slowly along that bundle of nerves inside of Blaine have Blaine moaning and panting louder and in a whole new way.

"Fingertips," Blaine gasps, and as Kurt moves to brush their lips together, soon drawing Blaine into a deep kiss, gently squeezing their still linked hands, Blaine can feel Kurt smiling.

"Fingertips," Kurt whispers back, lips brushing against Blaine's with every syllable, simultaneously letting two of those glide over that spot once again.

Kurt pulls out completely then slowly shifts their weight so that in the next moment Blaine is lying under him.

They lie panting together and smiling at each other for a moment, Blaine reaching between them to give some gentle strokes to Kurt's cock before he feels Kurt's fingers slip back inside of him scissoring and stretching this time.

Eventually fingers untwine and Blaine's arms come from under Kurt's arms around Kurt's upper body, hands wresting on Kurt's shoulder blades, holding on tight.

Blaine presses Kurt's chest flush against his own and every single touch is intensified even more when Blaine's whole body arches up, leaving no room to cover, no space to bridge between the two of them; Blaine breathing into Kurt's left ear "Love."

As Blaine's form settles back down against the mattress, Kurt moves with him, bodies still completely in contact as Kurt gently guides his fingers out of Blaine's ass.

Arms coming to rest besides Blaine's head, Kurt lifts his upper body up a little on his forearms looking down into Blaine's eyes and is about to open his mouth to ask when Blaine still panting lightly bites his lower lip, chest heaving, smiles and shakes his head a little, "No. You and me. No barriers."

They have always used a condom so far and neither has dared to ask for anything else. But both have been to get tested, months ago, just like so many other firsts in their lives, together.

Now Kurt is panting too, breath hitching over and over; suddenly so much more nervous again, that he is not looking directly at Blaine anymore.

So Blaine places his palms on Kurt's cheeks, a soft touch, and waits for Kurt too find it in himself to look at him again.

When eyes meet Blaine offers a gentle smile and says "I am ready to be, I want to, long to be that close to you. Only you. Only ever you."

Kurt's face slowly matching Blaine's expression Blaine repeats in a sure and soft voice, "Love, you and me."

"You and me," Kurt whispers back as he connects their lips, drawing Blaine into a deep kiss, lightly pressing both of them into the mattress.

Kurt had never thought it could mean so much to him to feel every detail of someone's skin on his own, but as he moves his lips onto Blaine's kissing deep, slowly, very slowly inching into Blaine, he keeps gasping into Blaine's mouth, opened wide in a moan because "It feels...You feel so good," Blaine gasps; "So... different," Kurt pants.

As Kurt is half-way in Blaine hisses and Kurt stills immediately, lifting a shaking hand brushing the curls hanging into Blaine's face gently out of Blaine's eyes, placing kisses on Blaine's forehead and keeping his hand running in a soothing rhythm through Blaine's hair.

As Blaine opens his eyes Kurt watches Blaine's hardened, slightly pained gaze grow softer again till finally Blaine whispers "Okay," and Kurt, their eyes staying firmly locked pushes as gently as he knows how all the way into Blaine. Both are panting, holding each other as close as they can.

It is the most intimate embrace either boy has ever felt. "I wish I could feel you this close always," Kurt whispers and Blaine lifting his head a little from where it had just been buried in Kurt's left shoulder and gently placing both his hands to Kurt's cheeks lifting Kurt's head from his own left shoulder, locks eyes with Kurt, again, seemingly searching for something in them, and Kurt cannot help the slight frown, the wondering what this means.

As tears begin to spill from Blaine's eyes Kurt is quick to place his hands on Blaine's cheeks as well, forearms keeping him up; wiping the ever new coming tears away, not asking anything, simply waiting, giving Blaine all the time he needs "I do too."

The kiss they share is deep and Blaine can taste traces of his own tears' salt on Kurt's lips.

Tongues begin to move with each other, lower bodies follow, the rhythm Kurt and Blaine build together consisting of long drawn out movements, wide circling motions that feel "So deep," Blaine gasps, and Kurt is already panting hard.

Kurt puts just enough space between the two of them to take Blaine's cock into his right hand starting long firm but still gentle strokes in rhythm with their hips still drawing circles together, changing direction from time to time, shifting the pleasuring pressure from Blaine's unto Kurt's hips and back.

In the next moment Blaine is grasping Kurt harder then rolling them over, burying his face in Kurt's left shoulder, pressing hot openmouthed kisses onto Kurt's skin.

Kurt lets out a loud moan at the feel of Blaine's weight pressing down on him.

Still moving with each other in fluid circling motions, Kurt's hand keeps working Blaine's cock at the same gentle, steady pace.

Then the circling movements change from working with to moving against each other, and both boys moan deeply, Blaine moving his head to rest against Kurt's forehead.

"I love you."

"I love you."

And now their movements speed up, the thrusts towards the edge a little rougher, Kurt's hand on Blaine that little faster, and in the next moment Blaine is coming hard across Kurt's chest, letting out a shuddering gasp and a deep guttural groan accompanied by Kurt's as he is pushed over the edge feeling Blaine's orgasm shake all of the body he is buried in deep.

Blaine moans loudly again as much at the sensation of Kurt's cum filling him up, as at that of Kurt's hand still stroking him through his orgasm, adding pleasure in a degree that would seem unreal to Blaine would he not just be experiencing it himself.

Blaine's hips moving in unison with Kurt's once again as Kurt rides out his own orgasm and Blaine enjoys Kurt's touch still on and in him.

Hips eventually stilling completely, Blaine moves to cross his legs behind Kurt's back as Kurt turns them on their sides still buried deep in Blaine.

"Stay. I want you in me a little longer," Blaine whispers into Kurt's left ear as he pulls his whole body once again as close to Kurt's as he can.

They stay like this until both boys' breathing has evened out again.

When Kurt pulls out everything feels sticky. Both boys notice but neither can bring himself to care enough to so much as stop smiling at each other.

"I have never felt this close to you before," Blaine says as they continue to hold each other and Blaine moves to rest his left cheek against Kurt's.

"Me neither."

In a motion that in his after-sex, in-love daze seems sudden to Blaine, Kurt scoops Blaine up in his arms and caries him into the shower."Don't be ridiculous," Blaine murmurs head buried in Kurt's chest. Kurt can feel Blaine smiling into the kiss he places over Kurt's heart.

The relaxation the hot water adds almost has Blaine's legs give way, and Blaine leaning heavily against Kurt in the next second.

As soon as Kurt can feel Blaine standing more securely on his own again he moves to his knees and begins to gently clean Blaine.

As the boys lie on the freshly dressed bed, wrapped deep in each other's arms, legs entwined, eyes locked Kurt is the first to drop off to sleep when eyelids get too heavy too soon.

Kurt moves on instinct yet deeper into Blaine's embrace, with the image of his face lost, the urge to feel more of his warmth, his touch, taking over.

Whispering "I am right here Love," Blaine drifts off to sleep himself.

It is the first time they fall asleep together relaxed and happy.


	11. Finding It In You To Look For Help

**A/N: **

I am at a loss for words. All I can say is, I hope, with all my heart, I managed to communicate Kurt's pain.

* * *

><p><strong>Finding It In You To Look For Help<strong>

Wednesday:

As Blaine wakes up the bed is empty.

Panic builds and he franticly searches the room for a sign of Kurt.

The bathroom door opens a moment later and Kurt steps out, still in his PJs.

Blaine lets out a deep sigh of relief, and allows his body to fall back into the mattress, 'How had I not noticed the bathroom door was closed?'

When Kurt settles himself back onto the bed Blaine says softly, "For a minute there I was worried you had run out on me, because last night…"

"…was so intense," Kurt completes.

"Yeah."

Kurt slips back under the covers, his back pressed against Blaine's chest, taking Blaine's arms and pulling them around himself.

"There is still something I ne…I want to talk to you about," Kurt whispers.

Blaine scoots back a little, and nudges Kurt's left shoulder gently. Kurt complies, and moves to lie on his back, but not without closing his eyes. An act that confuses and instantly worries Blaine, who is hovering above him.

Only a second later, with Blaine brushing a strand of hair gently out of Kurt's face, Kurt cannot hold it in anymore and opens them.

"Kurt, your eyes."

"I know."

"Why have you been crying? You went into the bathroom to cry? Love, why didn't you wake me? I thought after last night…."

A sad beauty is stirring the expanding blue and the decreasing dark.

"I trust you completely. I have never been this close to anyone," Blaine whispers in encouragement.

"I have never before wanted to be that close to anyone," and in the next second Kurt is crying once more. The red distorting the softness in Kurt's eyes increasingly. Blaine knows them as the same thick tears Kurt had shed that evening in the cinema.

"I didn't wake you because I was not sure it would do you or me any good."

Blaine feels confusion building in himself and tries his best not to look hurt, because he gets that Kurt is not talking about him, and what he feels for Blaine, but about how torn Kurt himself does not only feel about certain things, but cannot help be on the inside.

"At times touch is difficult for me. Your touch was soft from that very first day on, never anything but soft and gentle. And that helped, helps."

Kurt curls up on himself a little more saying this, so Blaine moves to settle himself back down on the mattress to Kurt's left. Then does his best to mold his own body along the lines of Kurt's, wanting Kurt to feel free to move whenever and whichever way he needs or wants to.

Kurt is crying even harder now.

"I hate feeling this small."

After a while Blaine hears himself say "When I asked you who you are so afraid of you said 'Myself,' I am not sure I understand," Blaine pauses before he has the courage to ask "Would you like to try and explain to me how it is that you feel that way? I love you. I can't imagine ever feeling afraid of you. I have been afraid for you, many a time, already long before we got together, but never of you. I want you to feel at ease in your own skin. I want to hold you without second guessing if that touch is painful to you right now in any way, so please never hold back with me about this. Tell me when you need me to let you go. Promise?"

"Promise," Kurt says in a suddenly calmer voice. Only as Kurt begins to speak in full sentences again the extent to which his voice is still shaking, wrecked by the doubts about speaking his every thought to Blaine, becomes evident.

"Myself," Kurt repeats in a whisper before he speaks up a little, "If you can't remember what you can't forget who else is there to be afraid of? I don't remember every bit of hate that was ever thrown my way. But I remember feelings that I cannot place memories to. I think I remember almost every incident since I turned 10, but even about that I sometimes grow painfully unsure, especially when I get triggered again."

"In the cinema?" Blaine asks.

"In the cinema," Kurt echoes, "Something happened, and I don't know myself, what happened, what triggered that I suddenly could not stand your hand on mine anymore, any touch really. I had to get out. So I did."

"I am glad you did not continue to try and pretend for me."

"Yesterday night, I felt so incredibly close to you."

"And not just physically," Blaine completes the thought, and Kurt is only left to nod for a moment, then says, "Yes. And I want to long to feel that close to you, always. But talking here, now, I can already feel that itching feeling start again, coaxing me on to pull out of your embrace. I don't want to feel that way Blaine. I don't want my love to feel so confused, physically, because it is really just my body right now asking me, telling me to move away. I want nothing more than to press myself even closer to you. I am so ashamed."

"Why?" The question Blaine has wanted answered ever since they had set on that staircase outside the showing room.

"Because, I cannot give you a reason for why I feel this way. Am not I supposed to know? Have a reason to give to help you understand why I act this way? It hurt so much when you asked me 'What's wrong,' because I cannot tell you or myself more than that something never ceases to feel wrong; that there is something that never allows me more than a moment of feeling complete and right and...those moments are with you, and you alone," Kurt sighs deeply, "I am rambling. I don't have the answer, any answer."

"That is because you want to be honest with me, and I love you only more for that. I don't know if it will help you find your answer, but I can tell you what I think and see. If you'd like that? Only if you'd like that, because I don't want to confuse you more."

"Please tell me," Kurt whispers, so Blaine talks on.

"I think the answer is not in what exactly happened every single time or that you need to try and force yourself to remember. I think your answer lies in your feelings. Not being able to make out the origin of a feeling is one of the scariest things I know. Maybe you will never remember everything, probably actually, but we can work together on understanding your feelings as they are, as they come and go, how and maybe why they do. You are not alone in this. I understand, in part at least. It's like for example, I sometimes feel sad, not knowing why I do. And because I can't make out why, I grow so much sadder still."

"Yes, exactly," Kurt replies, sounding, Blaine thinks, '…a little excited hearing someone else speak a thought that has been tearing at him for so long, made him feel more isolated every time, alone,' so Blaine asks softly, "Can we try something?"

"What do you want to try?" Kurt sounds scared, so Blaine as he begins to stir, move and shift does it slow.

"Do you think this might help?" he asks as he moves to scoot down a little burying his face in Kurt's chest and bringing his arms around Kurt's torso, "You are as precious a guide to me as I am to you. I understand my world, my own thoughts so much better, they have grown so much clearer to me ever since I met you. I need you," Blaine says sounding a little choked up himself, then the tears start coming. The tension of this morning finally proving to be too much for Blaine to hold them back any longer. 'And maybe,' Blaine thinks, 'it is important for Kurt to know Blaine is hurt and hurting too. Important having someone to cry with, more than having someone's shoulder to cry on.'

Kurt places his hands instinctively to rest on top of Blaine's soft curls, moves himself to rest his head on the pillow Blaine's head had rested on all night. As he breathes in Blaine's smell, he starts fiddling with his curls, entwining his legs with Blaine's as he buries his fingers in Blaine's curls more and more.

"I am glad, Kurt, you created the room you needed for yourself. I just which you had felt safe enough with me to let me in, to take and make yourself room without feeling the need to put that distance between us in such a secretive way. I know you pushed me away because you were hurting, but you hurt me too by doing so."

"I am so sorry. I could not risk us not working out because of my insecurities. Those which I can't explain. Especially those. And distance felt like the only solution to keep you a little longer. I understand if you…," Kurt begins the sentence tensing.

"No, Kurt. No. No one is breaking up here today. No one is running. Not me, and please, not you either. I love you Kurt. I want to help you grow stronger, like you help me, every day we are together."

Blaine can feel Kurt's chest rise with the deep breath he takes before answering, "Whenever something doesn't work out I feel so worthless, far too quick. Then I don't understand how, I can't believe that, someone can love me."

"I love you," Blaine replies, no hesitation.

"I cannot lose you Blaine. I could not... I don't know how I survived all of this until you and I just ran into each other like that at Dalton. To lose you while still feeling that way, because I cannot help feeling that way about myself…I could not risk driving you away by allowing you so close that you could not possibly miss anymore all that is wrong with me."

"I hate that they did that to you."

"What?" Kurt asks in a whisper, sounding unsure, Blaine thinks, if he even really wants to know the answer to his own question.

"Made you feel like you don't deserve to be loved."

Kurt lets out a dry, painful sounding sob, and Blaine pulls them closer together as he says, "Kurt you are hurting. That does not mean there is anything wrong with you."

Kurt sound almost desperate when he asks, "Why do people keep telling me that then, that I am wrong, and I need to at least try and change?"

"Oh Love, I did not realize you feel so crushed by it all," Blaine looks up, locks eyes with Kurt and keeps brushing away the tears streaming down Kurt's face with his right, gently gliding back and forth over both Kurt's cheeks.

"It shouldn't be possible to be made to feel that worthless that quick," Blaine whispers.

Kurt cannot believe Blaine understands that completely, and does not think him silly and stupid.

Everyone else he had tried to open up to or wanted to notice, at some point, always seemed to deem him overly dramatic, his feelings ridiculous. After all, if Kurt himself cannot pinpoint, explain or in part even remember why he is in pain, that pain must be a figment of Kurt's imagination. And people almost had him think that way too, like nothing about him was real. Then Blaine came along.

"It isn't true Kurt. Don't let them make you think that because you can't tell where your pain began what you feel isn't real."

Kurt reaches for Blaine's hand still tracing his tearstained features.

"Can you come up here?" Kurt asks.

Blaine scoots up, and they lie hands clasped, eyes locked so close at eye-level, their noses are touching for a second, before Kurt moves to bury his face in Blaine's shoulder, wrapping himself as tight around Blaine as he can, Blaine following Kurt's lead, allowing himself to melt into Kurt's every touch.

Blaine can hear Kurt instantly breathing more rapid and heavy, and as it goes on Kurt feels Blaine's touches turn more reserved.

"No. Please stay close. I know I sound horrible right now, and part of me does feel that way, but please don't."

"Kurt," Blaine sounds pleading, "I cannot cause you pain."

"You are not, you are keeping it at bay. Please trust me."

"I do."

"My body sometimes sends signals that do not reflect how I feel. That is why I kept us apart, at nights it can get so much worse, especially when I have a nightmare."

"Tell me."

"About the nightmares?" Kurt asks.

"First about how you feel right now. Your body reads fear to me."

Kurt is sobbing, "I want you to be able to tell by my touch how I feel, not by my words alone."

"Shhh, Baby, we will get there, but for now you have to help me. It will take time, but we will get there, together."

"Okay," Kurt replies a little calmer now but still sniffling.

"How about I start by telling you what I can see, and then you help me see clearer."

Kurt stays silent, but Blaine can feel Kurt nod into his shoulder, holding on a little tighter to Blaine.

"See, already getting better. You did not say a word just now, but I could feel your body respond in the affirmative."

Kurt lets out a choky, sobbing half-laugh into Blaine's shoulder, which has Blaine chuckle a little as well.

"I love to feel your body really close to mine when you chuckle like that. It feels a little like I imagine happiness to feel. An excited tremble, send through your whole body."

And Blaine wants to cry, because 'Did Kurt just imply that he thinks he does not know what happiness feels like?' And since "…we have promised each other to be honest, so I have to ask Kurt. You think you don't know what happiness feels like?"

"Blaine," Kurt says sounding pained as he lifts his head to meet Blaine's eyes, already fixed on him, "you make me feel happier than I have ever been in my entire life, but those thoughts that I cannot pinpoint and that keep coming back, running me over, tearing me up and apart, …isn't happiness, true happiness something that I should be able to feel longer than four seconds, without losing it all over again and again in that haze that the world has turned me into, even to myself."

"I want you to feel happy all the time you are with me, as happy as I always am when I am even just in the same room as you."

"I want it too," Kurt sounds small and sad.

"I promise you to give everything I can to help you find it in you. I really think you can."

"I sometimes hold on to you in the way I do, because I cannot feel it at all, even when I am with you."

"Can you explain that a little more to me, please?"

Kurt takes a deep breath before he answers "Be patient with me please. It gets hard to keep my thoughts together at all when I am that emotional, so I guess I might repeat myself now in parts." Blaine nods so Kurt goes on.

"You know how when we woke up, together, that one time I tried to make you have sex with me…thank you for not allowing me to, because, I did it so I,because I…I could not feel, so I had to touch. There is so much that I cannot feel in the right way" Blaine frowns at those words so Kurt, heaving a deep, pain strained sigh, continues, "So many things that make others feel good, without thinking, they are empty touches to me…or painful ones. Each coming with their own memory of someone trying to cause me pain. Others might deem them insignificant, the tiniest things that so often get to be too much for me. I get scared, I feel small…and …and I needed, or at least had myself convinced for a while that I needed to draw a line between you and me. Somewhere. It was so hard in the beginning not to rip my hand out of yours sometimes. Feeling that way hurts more than all memories combined – and that is why the pain won't lessen, even over the years – to expect pain from every touch. Not being able to stand the touch of your hand on mine is so wrong. Everything is wrong about that. It makes me feel so helpless more than anything. And sometimes when someone raises their voice my insides turn and I can suddenly hardly breathe anymore. That it doesn't happen all the time does make nothing better. You think it would. But it only makes me torture myself over why, WHY, did I jump then and not that other time. I lose myself…I cause myself only more pain in the attempt to figure out where my pain comes from and…and I don't know how not to feel these things. It scares me most that even since I met you and even still since after we got together, I mean, I figured it would take time, but…"

"…those wounds aren't healing," Blaine completes Kurt's sentence.

Kurt just buries himself deeper in Blaine's embrace and nods into it.

"I have wounds like that too," Blaine whispers softly.

"Really? You don't think I am crazy and pathetic and…"

"Shh now. No Love, no Kurt, you are not crazy. You are hurt, and besides I think pain, hurt and love, - or at least the longing to know it, to feel it - are the most basic human emotions. It does not make you crazy, simply human."

Blaine pauses then gently coaxes Kurt to look at him.

Eyes locking, Blaine caressing Kurt's right cheek with the palm of his left hand, asks "Is that okay?" Kurt nods more with his eyes than his head then shifts them a little so that Blaine is lying on his back and Kurt's chin is resting on Blaine's torso. Blaine still caressing Kurt's right cheek, Kurt's eyes closed.

Blaine is watching his boyfriend intently as he speaks the next words, afraid that Kurt will jump up and run out. And Blaine realizes, as the words are already leaving his lips, that he is in a really bad position to hold on to Kurt should he decide to run, "Kurt, we need to get you help."

Blaine can feel Kurt stiffen, and sees his face grow very tense.

"I worry where these thoughts could lead you, what it might cause you to d…," Blaine chokes on the images accompanying his words.

"I won't. I could never self-harm," Kurt tries to assure him.

Blaine only shakes his head, "Kurt, you already are."

"But…"

"Kurt. I know. I think, I need help too. Those thoughts tearing at you on the inside, allowing them to go on, it is as bad, might be worse than taking a knife and…trying to show the world how your insides feel, how you feel, by matching your outsides to your blooded up insides. I know you just try not to seem selfish and self-obsessed, but, Kurt…look at me," Blaine watches as Kurt fights with himself to open his eyes, as he does and eyes meet Blaine speaks on, "Not all wounds bleed and not all scars are visible to the human eye. I want us to be able, to learn together, to allow those wounds to heal, and to tell each other about our scars and how they came to be, if we think we know. If not, tell me how they feel."

"I can get better?" Kurt asks like he had never really thought it possible, a real option, not dared to hope anymore, for a long time.

"Let us try, together, please."

"I want to," Kurt whispers before moving to kiss Blaine deep.

They stay on the bed for the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon, at times getting up together to make some tea or food.

They even do some research on how and where help might be found, realizing there is a lot they can try to do for each other and see how far that gets them, before - if still needed - reaching out to someone who will in the beginning always feel like a stranger. Which is what, Kurt tells Blaine he finds most unsettling about it all. Having learned to expect hate from others more than anything, and certainly not help.

In the late afternoon they drive to the Lima Bean and get their favorite coffees, two each, because they can.

They end up swapping one with one another – wondering why they have never done this before, and - finding out that their tastes after all are really not that different, and somehow this provides comfort for both boys and puts them enough at ease to actually spend the evening meal around other people, namely Carole; Finn and Burt being at a game of some sort together.

"Carole?" Kurt asks taking Blaine's hand for support and a bit of alive warmth.

"Yes Sweety."

"Do you think I could talk to you and Dad tomorrow morning? I know he will be back late tonight, and there is something that I need to ask you for before I change my mind."

"Sure, I will tell him when he gets back."

Blaine is running his thumb along the lines of Kurt's hand all the while in a soothing motion.

The quick peck Kurt places on Blaine's right cheek is all the affirmation Blaine needs that he had read Kurt right.

"Thank you," Kurt replies.


	12. Breaking

**A/N: **

I hope you like this encounter.

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><p><strong>Breaking<strong>

As Kurt and Blaine begin to make their way down the stairs this morning, Blaine finds himself almost running into his boyfriend as Kurt suddenly pauses not even half-way down the stairs.

"Babe? What is it?"

Kurt turns to face Blaine, who is still standing one step higher. He first takes a deep breath and then Blaine's left hand into his right asking "Can you…? Never mind."

Blaine, going for wordless reassurance, leans in and kisses Kurt soft and deep, before Kurt has the chance to turn around to continue the descent.

Pulling back a moment later Blaine echoes Kurt's question, the part that he knows at least, a smile on his face, "Can I…?"

The full question comes out of Kurt's mouth in a blurred half-choked sound a moment later, Kurt knowing he needs to ask it much more than he wants to, "If you should feel me squeeze your hand tighter than usual, would you find a way to hold me so I don't run out?"

The worry is so painfully obvious in Kurt's eyes, and Blaine can tell Kurt knows that Blaine knows, that Blaine can see it, even sense it with Kurt's every breath.

So with the next utterance Kurt's eyes find the floor in an attempt to steady himself, "Because I fear I might, run."

"Love," Blaine says, gently cupping Kurt's left cheek with his free right hand. Kurt instantly closes his eyes and longingly leans into the touch.

After a moment of utter silence and calm that takes both boys by surprise, Blaine whispers back "Of course I will. Thank you for letting me know that that is what you would want."

"Thank you for still being here. I know I have been difficu…," but Kurt is cut off by another pair of lips on his.

They stand like this for a while the kiss turning deeper and deeper, both boys taking full advantage of truly being on eye-level for once, in more than one way.

"We should totally kiss more on staircases," Kurt breathes out as they both eventually pull out of the kiss.

"We should totally kiss more, yes, I don't care where though. I actually really love having to press closer and tilt my head up, and having my hands rest in your hair or pressed against your heart, and how it pounds stronger every second we kiss, and…"

Blaine is cut off by Kurt pulling him onto his step of the stairs, a second later both boys recreating the scenario just phantasized about by Blaine.

"We really should get downstairs," Blaine says panting heavily as they break the kiss.

"I know, I just, it is so much…"

"Easier, to keep kissing?"

"I was going for intriguing," Kurt replies with a half-smile.

Blaine, linking his left with Kurt's right hand again says softly, "I will be with you for every step of the way that you want me there."

Kurt buries his face in Blaine's left shoulder, breathing in deeply several times, Blaine's right traveling up and down his back in a soothing motion.

Somewhere in between a minute or two later Kurt locks eyes with Blaine and says, "Okay."

"Okay," Blaine echoes with a smile on his face as they make their way down to the kitchen.

They hear Carole first, "Blaine understands in ways we don't."

"I know," is Burt's only reply, and both boys stand still for a moment, in the entrance to the kitchen, waiting if there is more to come.

It is Carole who talks again next, "So give him a chance to help Kurt truly get better. Just sending Kurt back to Dalton will not help him in the long run. And we both know this is not because of something new going on at McKinley right now."

Blaine jumps a little as the next voice finding its way into the conversation is Kurt's, "We all know that it isn't that."

Blaine can already feel Kurt's fingers tightening a little more around his left hand as both Carole and Burt turn to face them.

"Dad," Kurt says.

"Yes, Kurt."

"I know I must have seemed a lot better to you while I was at Dalton. For one that was because I had Blaine there, and for another, yes it is true at Dalton I was not constantly reminded of all the pain I have been put through by others as long as I can remember. Redecorating my surroundings, it was a little like remodeling my insides, a new order to things; a great way to get rid of the reminders, yes, but I still only suppressed the big, overwhelming pain and fear. You see, that did not mean my insides hurt any less, even then."

"So, you would not want to go back if you could?" Carole asks.

"I…I might jump at the chance to be with Blaine every day, yes, but I don't think it would be right for me. The shock would just hit harder again, after graduation. Blaine helped me understand in the last days that I have been hurting myself by not talking about my pain and that if I am serious about getting better need to process it somehow. I could never have learned this that quick without him."

Kurt's eyes are glistening with unshed tears now.

They spill over as Blaine pulls Kurt into his arms, "You know I feel the same."

Kurt nods into Blaine's shoulder, more tears spilling out of him.

Carole takes Burt's left hand in both of hers, and squeezes it gently seeing the tears pooling in the corners of Burt's eyes.

"I am fine," Burt mouths Carole's way, as he uses his free hand to wipe the tears out of his eyes.

As Kurt turns to face his parents again Blaine senses his boyfriend is shaking a little, so he moves behind Kurt and in the next second Kurt can feel Blaine's arms around his shoulder's and chest, and Kurt reaches up to hold on to Blaine's arms encompassing him and holding him securely.

Kurt quickly turns his head to place a quick peck on Blaine's right cheek, followed by a whispered "Thank you."

Kurt catches Blaine's soft smile in response before he turns back to his parents.

"Carole has told you I want to ask you two for something?"

"Yes, Kiddo, she has."

As she notices him struggle to form the actual question, Carole's frown turns into an encouraging smile.

"It's nothing bad and I…I don't know if I will really need it, but I wanted to make sure, just in case it should come that far, you two would be okay with it, since I am still a minor and you would find out anyway, I think, through bills and stuff, because I really want to get better, and I cannot tell yet how much it will take to get there."

"What is it?"

Kurt is nervously gnawing at his bottom lip, and finally lets out the question with a heavy sigh "Can I go see a psychologist?"

"Oh, Sweety, that is why you were so nervous? Of course you can. That is nothing to be ashamed of," Carole says.

"If you want to try it, because you think it might help you, yes, of course you can," Burt unconsciously half-echoes his wife's words.

"Thank you," Kurt says letting out a heavy sigh of relief before he launches into a ramble. "I mean, it might never come so far, but it means so much to have your support on this. Blaine is helping me so much already, but to be able to feel sure of your support with this means a lot to me."

"I am glad you have Blaine," Burt says, before he asks, "you know there are others out there who have similar experiences to you two? I am sure we could find you a self-help group so you have some people to talk to, to gain more varied perspectives."

"There is a support group at Dalton actually," Blaine interjects and Kurt turning around in Blaine's arms looks at him quizzically.

"But…?" Kurt is too confused and surprised to get out a full sentence.

"No Kurt, it did not exist last year. Please don't get angry with me. When I went home to collect some of my things, days ago, I briefly made calls to some of the Warblers, asking for advice on how to help someone suffering from intense emotional distress, I never mentioned your name I swear, and Trent told me that Jeff – after volunteering with a hotline for troubled teens over the last year – has started this support group for all the kids that come to Dalton because they have been harassed and bullied."

"It's okay, I get it, I cannot expect you to deal with the stress I cause you all by yourself. That would not be fair, or realistic. About that support group though, you know I am not at Dalton anymore," Kurt feels compelled to point out.

"You know the guys all love you. I think Trent might have had a slight inkling that I was not only interested in the subject because of my own experiences, and he even added that he thinks anyone who needs help would be welcome."

"Anyone?" Kurt asks, looking curious now.

"Who are you thinking of?" Blaine replies with a smirk.

"Well, one won't be a surprise to you, the other…"

"Santana?" Blaine asks eyebrows raised.

"Yes, I think, it might be nice for her to talk to someone. She is struggling, I can tell, even though she won't."

Blaine nods in agreement.

Then Kurt adds in a whisper, "…and Dave."

"NO WAY! Kurt you can't be serious. Karofsky?"

"You helped me understand that talking might truly help me. I want to give Dave the same chance?"

"Hold on a minute. Kurt, Kiddo, why would Dave need help? He was the one bullying you," Burt interrupts.

"Only because he is scared," Kurt rushes out.

"Of what? A guy like him," Burt asks.

"You cannot tell anyone Dad, Carole. Only Blaine knows so far."

"Kiddo, we said no more secrets," Burt reminds his son.

"It is an old one, not a new one," Kurt tries to explain.

Burt won't let go of it now, "Okay. Then what is it?"

Blaine sees Kurt struggle and he knows Kurt once told Dave he would never out him, that he never would tell, but "This is not to hurt Dave, it is okay to tell Kurt. Please tell them the whole story though," Blaine implores.

Kurt shakes his head at the request, "I can't, I promised I wouldn't."

"You never promised anything to Dave, besides, this is one of the things you need to talk about as well, to get better. You need to see that people don't think it was your fault at all that it happened, you didn't do anything to provoke Karofsky ki…," Blaine breaks off, then adds "It truly isn't my place to tell."

The next moment Kurt his taking a deep, shaky breath then says, looking his dad right in the eye, "Dave kissed me. He took my first kiss from me. Ironically in the week Blaine and I met for the first time."

"Honey, that is horrible," Carole says pulling Kurt into her arms.

"I couldn't tell you, I couldn't out him," Kurt whispers into Carole's shoulder.

Burt looking upset as well replies "I understand, son. I still wish you had let me know it happened, but I understand. Thank you for letting me know now. I am so sorry that ever happened to you, and Blaine is right, it wasn't your fault in any way. Don't ever think that."

Burt steps forward and pulls Blaine into a warm hug, "Thank you for being there for Kurt at the time, and now; through all of it really."

Blaine just stands there as Burt lets go of him again.

"I love you Dad," Kurt says moving to hug Burt.

"I love you too," Burt replies.

Blaine, gradually coming out of the daze Burt's unexpected fatherly hug wrapped him in, just about manages to keep it together watching that sweet, loving interaction between Kurt and Burt.

Blaine's insides turn a little as he finds himself thinking 'Something I will have to talk about at some point, to truly get better.'

As Blaine feels his boyfriend's arms come around him a moment later, Blaine allows himself to sink deep into Kurt's embrace, Kurt the one holding both of them upright.


	13. Now More Than Ever

**A/N: **

**Did I do a bad job at explaining why Kurt is hurting so much?** I have to ask, because, that would make me really very sad, because it would mean my writing was bad *sniff*.

Where does this come from? Well, it is the one thing people kept asking about throughout the whole of this story and I don't want to leave you hanging there, utterly unsatisfied.

Also, someone wrote me a review (a sweet review, thank you **Klaine4ever** for being so nice about it) asking what exactly is wrong with Kurt. For a lot of it there are no simple straightforward answers, but I think I could try and sum it up a little for you. A lot of it might become clearer when I write the kind of sequel to this, which will focus on the support group at Dalton and hopefully become a fixture for the rest of season three, so that I can have the characters discuss and reflect on what is happening around them on the show. It will if anyhow possible be more canon than this. Maybe, hopefully, oh we will see.

Please let me know my lovely readers and I will try and spell Kurt's pain out for you, well, how I see it, in my next chapter. **Please let me know how you see Kurt's pain and its causes, it is important to know what I really managed to convey so far to give you a good, profound and most of all satisfying answer.**

Longest A/N EVER!

First things first though: I hope you will enjoy this chapter.

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><p><strong>Now More Than Ever<strong>

About two weeks later:

It is the first time since his transfer back to McKinley that Kurt finds himself walking the halls of Dalton. He does not know why it took him so long to get back here, but it did.

Kurt can't help wonder if he had been avoiding Dalton afraid that the happiness he knows he can feel here would overwhelm him and have him break down in front of Blaine in a way he had, only a couple of weeks ago, been sure would end their relationship. Now instead it had made it and both of them stronger, or so it seemed.

Kurt finds himself '…happier to be here than I have ever been.'

"I sometimes miss it; and not just because I can hold hands walking down these halls with you without being glared at viciously," Kurt finally finds words.

Blaine answers with a soft smile, then glances at the walls, the furniture, catching a first glimpse of a couple of blazer glad boys disappearing into the practice room. At the sight Blaine thinks to himself 'I will as well.'

Kurt sees worry flicker across Blaine's otherwise relaxed expression; and suddenly feeling the urge to lighten the, Kurt only now realizes, somewhat tense atmosphere, he says, "It is so great to be here with you again, I miss seeing you in that blazer more often." Kurt beams at Blaine as he asks, "What are you going to sing today?"

"Nothing," Blaine replies.

"Don't tell me someone else got a solo!"

"You will understand in a moment," is Blaine's only reply.

"Okay," Kurt says softly, trust more than anything present in Kurt's voice, and 'GOSH,' Blaine thinks, 'I love Kurt so so much.'

'And I am not the only one,' Blaine thinks as he lets go of Kurt's hand and takes a step to the right as soon as they step into the Warblers' practice room.

Kurt looks confused for a second, but the questioning frown on his forehead disappears as soon as he is, almost instantly, swarmed by the other Warbler boys.

Jeff is the first to reach Kurt and the first to pull himself away from him. He has seen him a couple of times when he visited Blaine over the summer, so they don't have that much catching up to do.

As Jeff walks over to Blaine he notices how pale Blaine suddenly looks, finally allowing his worry and nerves to show more, now that Kurt is distracted.

"Are you okay, Blaine? You seem stressed out about something."

"I have done a lot of thinking and I had to make a decision."

"Kurt?" Jeff asks, a knowing, pained half-smile on his face.

Blaine, eyes closing and his forehead falling into a deep frown, nods.

"Is he coming back or are you leaving?"

"You are too observant for your own good Jeff," Blaine says, face turned to the floor. It takes Blaine a moment to open his eyes again and lift his head to look at Jeff.

"I know, Blaine. I know."

And Blaine knows Jeff is talking about so much more than either boy can find words for right now.

Jeff rests his left hand reassuringly on Blaine's right shoulder, squeezes gently, and offers an encouraging smile.

"I need to tell all of you together, it seemed the only fair deal, so I brought Kurt here. You guys and Kurt, you are my whole world."

Jeff pulls Blaine into a hug. And Jeff can feel Blaine's arms shakily wrapping around him as well. When they let go of each other again Jeff smiles once more at Blaine then walks over to the council table placing a soft kiss to Nick's lips, and resting their foreheads together, whispering something to Nick who smiles and nods in response.

Seven minutes later everyone is settled onto the couches and waiting for the meeting to start.

Jeff gives Blaine a nod so Blaine gets up and …"Hi everyone."

Kurt wonders why Blaine looks so nervous now.

"Most of you know Kurt, my boyfriend. I am going to make this brief. I wanted all of you and Kurt to know of this decision of mine at the same time," Kurt looks confused, 'What decision?' he thinks to himself.

"Starting next week I …" but Blaine all of a sudden cannot bring himself to say it. Words and thoughts tangeled and stuck in his throat. Heavy. Daunting.

Kurt sees the pain taking hold of Blaine's expression so he gets up and takes Blaine into his arms, "Hey, you are shaking," Kurt notices in shock, "What is it? Please tell me."

"It's nothing bad I swear, I…I am leaving Dalton to come to McKinley." A slight murmur sweeps the room, but neither Blaine nor Kurt really take notice of it.

Blaine can feel Kurt freeze in his arms, and just like that Blaine is the one comforting a crying Kurt. "Shh, Babe. Why are you crying?"

"You cannot do that, not for me, I am not worth it."

"Don't say that. Don't ever even think that again, please Love. You are worth anything Kurt."

Blaine adds after a moment of simply holding a now even heavier crying Kurt, "I wanted you and the guys to know at the same time that is why I brought you here today. And no, I am not just doing it for you. I love you. Do I miss you every day I am here and you are there? Yes, of course I do, but, most of all, with everything that has happened the last weeks I want to do this for us and I need to do this for me. You were so right with what you said to your Dad two weeks ago. You couldn't stay at Dalton forever, neither of us can. I have to learn to deal with the hate in the world. Sure I could try to ignore it, but that won't help anyone, but me, maybe not even me. And it certainly won't make anything go away. I will not run anymore if I have other options. You make me braver than I ever thought I could be. I am not doing this because of you, but I am able to do it thanks to you. Your strength."

"Okay. I love you," Kurt replies softly, still holding his boyfriend tightly wrapped into his arms, tears now slowly subsiding.

"I love you too."

Only as they pull out of the hug they remember where they are. Some of the newer Warblers, unable to follow the conversation properly, are frowning, but all of Kurt and Blaine's friends are sporting soft expressions, and offer Blaine and Kurt reassuring smiles and nods as they, one after another, catch their eyes.

Blaine raises his voice again, slightly, as he says, "I am sorry guys, but I need to do this. And it is still so early in the year, I am sure you will have enough time to practice with a new lead before the first competition comes up."

Jeff walks up to them, hugs both quickly but tightly, and says, "I wish you all the best."

One after another the other Warblers join Jeff in his goodbye to Kurt and Blaine.

A while later, walking back down the hall leading up to the choir room, Kurt can feel Blaine's grip on his hand tighten.

Kurt stops and taking both his hands turns to Blaine, "You are scared."

"I am."

Kurt thinks for a moment then adds, "We are together."

Blaine's face breaks into an unmistakable smile as he realizes Kurt is right this is really all that needs saying, "We are."

They kiss softly and as they take the next couple of steps further down the hall, towards Dalton's main entrance, they can hear footsteps echoing behind them, a moment later Jeff appears to Kurt's left. He is slightly out of breath.

Smiling at both of them he says, "I see you every second and fourth Thursday of the month."

"Why?" Kurt asks.

"The support group. Don't think for a second I will let you out of that so easy." Looking back and forth between Kurt and Blaine he adds "Besides you are a great example to all the younger boys struggling. Now more than ever."


	14. Our Love

**A/N:**

**Thank you for the feedback to last chapter, here now my attempt at an explanation, it would be great to know what you make of it:**

Okay, so. Kurt is hurting because he was bullied all his life, even before he knew what bullying was, and it has left him scarred in ways he too often cannot understand himself.  
>He feels happy with Blaine but that happiness is so fragile, losing the feel of it over and over hurts Kurt a lot too. He has these attacks because he is triggered by things and people who remind him of situations in which he was abused by someone, verbally, physically, etc.<br>My story is here to show that healing often cannot be achieved easy, how much of a fight it is to grow to be happier, even with someone as great as Blaine by your side. Because no one can do the healing for you. No amount of Love someone shows for you can ever truly heal you, only you can grow to do that. And that is I guess what the sequel to this story will be about too, with the support group at Dalton as main focus. That part of Kurt, the desperatly hurt part, came out nicely in canon when Kurt gives his campaign speech. And I just wish they had taken their time on the show to have Blaine transfer and have Kurt cope with the aftermath of having been and still being the punching bag for so many ignorant people, would have made for a great storyline in my opinion.

Last chapter.

I hope you will love reading it. Would be great to hear from all of you who stayed with me till the end what made you stick with me.

Love, M

* * *

><p><strong>Our Love<strong>

Blaine is standing in his room, starring, and for once in months not at his gorgeous boyfriend.

He can barely make out anything familiar in the pile of things now strewn all over his carpet that came spilling out of the boxes he turned over just moments ago.

Stuff. Most of the things now in a heap on the warm deep blue carpet are just that, things. Things that pile up, somehow, and are shifted from hands to pockets to cardboard boxes.

"How did I manage to collect all this?" Blaine murmurs to himself as he tries to make out not just what the objects before him all are, but more importantly what they mean to him, what some meant to him; what some might mean to someone else, should he choose to give them away.

He tries to remember the moment others handed them to him as a gift or as something borrowed that was actually, as it turns out now, never returned, because someone moved, or he and whoever both forgot.

Looking at the heap long enough Blaine is reminded of all the things he knows, all the people he had forgotten are still with him in his memories.

The idea had seemed so benign. 'Have a good hard look and decide what to take with me to school to keep in my locker, to cheer myself, to cheer Kurt up. With memories of dates, and kisses, and Dalton too, especially on a bad day at McKinley, which will come and go just like all the good ones.' All the good ones on which he will just be happy to be close to Kurt.

Slumping down next to the pile, which does not look any less confusing from this new angle, Blaine wonders how this simple idea turned so utterly complicated so quick.

Blaine had packed up his room at Dalton a week ago and moved back into his parents' house. He had hated those boxes just sitting there, every day, for a whole week, while he was too busy trying hard to get used to McKinley.

Blaine takes a deep breath and once more frowns at the tangled mess in front of him as he slowly lets out an equally deep sigh as he reaches out an arm to slowly start sorting through it.

He pulls one of the now empty boxes closer and after just rummaging for a moment starts picking things to put back in, labeling the box in his mind as the one holding things that mean a great deal to him.

Postcards and notes from friends, books others gave him, that moved something in him, still do. Those are the easy choices.

Blaine quickly realizes that happy, truly happy is, well …difficult. Things that make him happy and happy only, they are much harder to make out and are rare.

A lot of things he sees are, yes, important to him, but don't exactly make him that happy.

He also notices that some things feel just wrong placed with others.

His favorite things are those others gave him. Nothing he bought for himself feels right in this box.

'Why is it so difficult to throw away things?' when clearly he does not keep any of the objects for themselves but for who they remind him of.

There is a, to the unsuspecting onlooker beautiful, bohemian ruby right in Blaine's line of sight, but the boy does his best to look away, and ignore the sharp pain piercing his chest at the sight of it.

People change, relationships change, and with them even the meaning of things we do not see for years until they tumble out of some box or another, back into our lives.

'There is the first love letter Kurt ever wrote me,' Blaine thinks to himself, reaching out for the envelope with the delicate handwriting of his boyfriend on it, with a bright smile. But before so much as his fingertips reach the material he is interrupted by a knock on his bedroom door.

"Yes?"

When there is no answer, Blaine gets up from where he had still been sitting on the carpet and walks over to open the door.

No one seems to be there. But Blaine is sure he did not just imagine the knock so he takes a step outside of his room and as he looks to his left he finds Kurt standing there, if you can call it that.

Leaning heavily against the wall, Kurt has his face resting in both of his hands, crying silently, his bag having slipped of his shoulders onto the floor.

Kurt inhales sharply as he feels Blaine's arms wrapping securely around him, gently guiding Kurt into the room and shutting the door behind them.

And as soon as the door closes Blaine can sense he is the only thing holding Kurt up, feeling what little there is of Kurt's weight resting all on him, growing to feel heavier by the second.

Blaine tries to guide Kurt over to his bed but fails miserably, Kurt's feet utterly unwilling to work with him even for a single second longer, now that he is in the safety of Blaine's embrace.

So Blaine gives in and settles them on the floor, holding Kurt close all the while.

Blaine wants to ask but knows he needs to allow Kurt to calm first, to find a rhythm again to his own breathing.

It takes about 14 minutes before Kurt tangibly loosens his grip on Blaine's shoulders and Blaine following Kurt's lead allows his boyfriend to scoot down, rest his whole body on the floor and move his head into Blaine's lap, facing Blaine, eyes closed, just resting there. Breath still hitching from time to time, Kurt's hands both find Blaine's right and hold it tight, desperate for the contact.

Blaine begins to slowly run his free left hand through Kurt's hair and finally his breathing is truly evening out.

"One of those days?" Blaine asks.

Even the nod Kurt gives is shaky.

"Want to talk about it? It's fine if you don't," Blaine says in a soothing whisper.

"I was fine, and then I wasn't," Kurt says, voice tearstained.

"It's okay to feel that way."

"It sucks though," Kurt chokes out.

"Yeah. Want to try and figure out what it was today?"

Kurt gives another nod.

"Okay," Blaine says, placing a tender kiss to Kurt's forehead, left hand still running through Kurt's hair, spending comfort and focus. Blaine knows by now how important that is on days like these when the thoughts suddenly won't stop coming, won't allow to be slowed down easily, to be examined closely for clues.

Blaine watches Kurt furrowing his brow in an effort to find something to say that will hopefully make sense to both of them.

Tears start coming instead of words and Blaine leans down to kiss them away, whispering, "Shh, Love, you don't need to try so hard it hurts."

"But I want to know. I want to know how to make it stop hurting."

Blaine gently presses his lips against the boy's whose head is still resting in his lap. Blaine allows his lips to linger, hoping Kurt will take from them, from him, what he needs right now.

They stay like that for a while until Blaine feels Kurt's grip on his right hand loosen in the same instant as Kurt's lips press with more force against his. Then Kurt's hands are caressing the back of Blaine's neck, hands slipping into Blaine's curls as Kurt pulls himself up and to sit in Blaine's lap, the boys lips not once losing touch.

Kurt, now that he is sitting in Blaine's lap, Blaine's arms helping him stay close, deepens the kiss.

When they break apart, Kurt instantly moves to rest his forehead against Blaine's, both boys eyes still closed.

"I hate not understanding," Kurt whispers, his fresh tears running down both their cheeks, the boys are holding each other that close still.

"You are so brave for trying. I love you, and you should be as proud of yourself as I am of you for always questioning. You will get where you need to be one day because you never stopped trying, no matter how hard it got. And I will be with you for that as long as you'll have me. Knowledge is a complicated thing. There is knowledge that makes your life easier, can help you figure out how to do things quicker than you could by yourself, like recipes. And then there is knowledge that makes your life harder, by bringing new questions with it in itself."

"They scare me," Kurt whispers back, hoping Blaine will understand.

And Kurt can feel Blaine nod as he hears him say "Yes, unanswered questions, they are a scary thing."

"Do you have unanswered questions?" Kurt asks in a still small but calm voice.

"Love, of course I do. I think everyone does. And some people get angry about it, and answer their own confusion with hate directed at others. Some hate on themselves. The brave ones try to look for answers. You are one of them."

Kurt lets out a snort, "Brave? Me?"

"Oh, you have no idea, do you?" Blaine asks, a slight smirk playing around his lips.

Kurt moves back a little, opens his eyes slowly and locks them with Blaine's before he shakes his head.

Taking in Blaine's affectionate almost overwhelmingly warm smile Kurt cannot help smile back, however hesitantly, and more in question than answer.

"We will work on that too, together," Blaine replies as his left hand runs through Kurt's hair again and Kurt closes his eyes, snuggling deeper into Blaine's warming touches as Blaine's right traces lovingly along Kurt's left cheek.

"Okay," Kurt eventually whispers a while later.

"Okay is wonderful," Blaine whispers back in reassurance.

Mere minutes later Blaine feels Kurt's grip loosen a little, and as he pulls back gently he sees Kurt has fallen asleep in his arms.

Blaine carries Kurt over to his bed and together they cuddle up on the covers. Kurt's whole form soon snuggled against Blaine, Kurt's back resting against Blaine's chest, Kurt holding on to Blaine's arms around him with his own, almost as if afraid Blaine might let go of him at some point if Kurt does not let him know, somehow, that he wants him there with him, always.

Kurt's warmth mingling with his own, Blaine soon drifts of to sleep as well.

Kurt, waking hours later, for the first time since he entered the room, takes it in fully.

It does not take long until Kurt feels a change in Blaine's breathing that tells him Blaine is awake as much as he is.

Placing a kiss each to Blaine's hands, which Kurt is still holding in his, and allowing his eyes to wander once more over the boxes and things strewn on the floor, Kurt asks, "What were you doing?"

Moving his left cheek to rest against Kurt's right Blaine replies, "Trying to sort out my life a little more I guess. Well, no, my past, my memories. Not unlike you."

"Can I help?" Kurt asks, turning around in Blaine's arms, Blaine notices in surprise, looking eager in a way Blaine has missed in Kurt's expressions for a while now.

"I thought makeovers were your crack?"

"Maybe it is helping people grow that truly turns me on."

Blaine laughs out loud at the choice of words.

Kurt answers only with a playful pout of his lips.

"You look too cute doing that for me not to…," and with that Blaine shifts them a little so that he is on top of Kurt and kisses him passionately.

Kurt responds eagerly.

It takes minutes before Blaine finds it in him to break the heated kiss again to say what he feels he needs to, "You are a care giver, always have been."

"But I am so needy," Kurt instantaneously replies with a thought filled frown.

"You always give much more than you take Kurt. The way you took care of your Dad; how you organized the whole wedding for Carole and him by yourself. The way in which you tried to be there for Dave even,…. You are willing to put your own needs last if you see others need you. I love that about you, so much. And I just want to make sure you know I will be there for you through all of this so you are not forgotten. I want you to be well. I want to be close to you, always, to make sure of that, if you'll let me."

"I want you close to me too, always," Kurt replies, caressing Blaine's left cheek softly.

"Is that a yes?" Blaine asks.

"Yes, it's a yes," Kurt answers softly.

As Blaine leans down to kiss him again Kurt bursts into laughter and Blaine pulls back a little to look questioningly at Kurt.

"Why do I feel like you just proposed to me?"

Blaine has to smile at that too, "I guess in a way I did."

Kurt is quiet suddenly, eyes cast down, and Blaine wishes badly he could see what is going on in Kurt's head right now.

Caressing Kurt's left cheek lovingly Blaine asks, "Kurt?"

Kurt takes a deep, shaky breath then looks back up at Blaine, fresh tears visibly welling up in Kurt's eyes.

"Love?" Blaine tries again, wiping away the first tear rolling down Kurt's left cheek as he blinks once and placing a soft kiss to Kurt's forehead before moving to lock eyes with Kurt again. As Kurt speaks Blaine is the one utterly reduced to tears, left to only nod again and again, forehead longingly pressed against Kurt's, whispering soft yeses in answer. The two boys happy tears mingling in their hopefilled kisses.

"I cannot promise you forever Blaine, but I can promise you that there is nothing that I want more than my forever to be with you."


	15. Sequel Announcement

A/N:

So I posted the first chapter to **the sequel to Cinematic Hero** today. It is called **'It's not so very late-it's only dark.'** I hope you will love it and am excited to find out what you think about the first chapter. Thank you again for all the love I received and continue to receive from you for Cinematic Hero. I really missed writing more for this story's 'verse. So glad I am on my way back to it.

Love, M


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